Fat Necks Linked to Fat People

Framingham, MA: In the results of a study released late last week, scientists have confirmed a shocking discovery: people with fat necks are considered biologically fat.

   Before now, there were other visual flags confirming that someone was, or was capable of being, fat. For instance, a bulbous lower abdomen on a human male or female, that is not dismissed by pregnancy, could be considered fat; the apparent joining of a human’s calf to his or her ankle, aptly named “cankles” by some of the most distinguished minds in the medical field, could put a person up for consideration as fat; ever present residue of condiments, such as mustard, ketchup, or maple syrup, even during non-meal times, on the subject’s shirt or seat of their pants or muumuu, could be a basis of consideration for fatness.

   Professor Eli Groden, who helped conduct this study from the Framingham Heart Study institute, explained that these stereotypical flags of fatness are untrue. “The only way to tell that someone really is ‘fat,’ is by the neck. Just look at a person’s neck. If it looks like a gargantuan mutation, that the neck is the same width as the person’s head, that person is, without a doubt, fat.”

   Apparently, fatness has everything to do with fat placement, and not the amount of fat. Through the study, it was found that those with a smaller mid-section, but an enlarged neck, were victims of fat displacement. “These people literally have too much fat for their own bodies. Instead of distending parts of the body, the fat travels to places it normally does not go to, such as the shoulders, neck, lips, and cheeks,” explained Dr. Jiminy Bell. “You could literally weigh 65 pounds and still be considered fat. It’s all about proportion.”

   The study has America in an uproar. No one knows if they should be dieting, exercising, or just sitting their asses on the couch eating Ring Dings. In the streets of Manhattan women are asking complete strangers if their clothes make their necks look big.

   The list of fat celebrities has fluctuated because of this, also. Kirsty Alley, Queen Latifah, Ralphie May, and Rosie O’Donnell are now considered skinny. Angelina Jolie, Paris Hilton, French Stewart, Amy Winehouse, and Calista Flockhart are officially on the fat list.