Back in my younger days I attended a Bible camp. This was related to a non-denominational church and seemed fairly sane after the frightening Southern Baptists that I was abducted by when I was twelve. That is another story though. I can tell you that the highlight of the Bible camp I attended under the Baptists was my description of the movie Star Wars to these kids who 
were forbidden to watch television, dance, or play rock and roll music. Anyway – back to the more “sane” Bible camp.
At one point the males were led off to have a secluded meeting about such issues as marriage and our proper conduct in the bedroom according to God’s law. Oh yeah – I play the guitar, and the fingernails on my right hand were always a little on the long side as I used them as natural picks, okay. One kid on the first night had asked me why I keep my fingernails so long, and I responded “it makes it easier to clean the shit out from underneath them if I end up scratching my ass in my sleep”. He looked at me kind of funny and sloughed off at that point. I just thought I would throw that one in because it is related to the same camp and it was much too short a scene to qualify as an entire column. So back to the woods and our spiritually guided lesson in bedroom conduct.
One of the counselors explained that under the law of marriage what you did with your wife in the bedroom was completely condoned by God, and the marriage vows allowed us to express our love however we see fit. The group looked a little relieved at that point. I’m sure there were a majority who had already explored the female anatomy without the sanctity of marriage, but we were there to be better Christians, yeah?
Then this counselor went on to inform us of certain activities that were not condoned under any circumstances. The one and only activity aside from adultery of course, was masturbation. “At no time is masturbation ever an acceptable activity in the eyes of God”. He then proceeded to quote a verse of scripture relating to spilling one’s seed upon the ground and so forth, buttressing his pontification that under no circumstances were we to participate in such activity.
I started thinking for a second and I had a serious question as I saw a conflict of theology here. I raised my hand and asked, “as long as we are married then, anything we do in the bedroom is fine, right”.
“Yes”, the counselor replied.
“So what happens then if your wife wants to see a puppet show”?
The entire group burst into laughter, and with the solemn and oh so serious tone of the secret meeting of male minds now turned into one of jocularity, we all wandered back up to the lodge for lunch.