Unsolicited advice from someone who is smarter than you are. Trust me. I went to college.
Today’s lesson: Irony. We’ll begin by first, acknowledging that very few people actually know what “irony” is. Go ahead. Admit it. You’ve called something “ironic” when it wasn’t. Lucky for you, most people don’t know what irony actually is.
You’re probably thinking, “Yes I do. Alanis Morissette told me all about it in 1995. She wouldn’t lie. Canadians never lie.” Well kids, I hate to be the one to break it to you, but– Wait. Actually I’ll take great pleasure in crushing your spirits– anyway, I feel that what I’m about to tell you is long overdue, and integral if I ever hope to see America develop a sense of humor:
Nothing in that song is ironic. Rain on your wedding day? Man, that would suck, but it wouldn’t be ironic. Meeting the man of your dreams, and then meeting his beautiful wife? What a shitty thing to have to experience… shitty, but not ironic. The irony of the song lies couched in the fact that the title of the song is misleading.
Generically speaking, irony occurs when the opposite of what is expected to happen happens. I see you scratching your head.
Let’s say you’re walking down the street, and you think to yourself, “Gee, I have everything that I could ever want…everything except a knife.” Just then, you see a giant knife factory with a sign above the door that reads,
“Free Knife Giveaway! Today Only!”
Well hot dog! It’s your lucky day. You stroll inside to get the one thing that can make your life complete, and to your utter chagrin and bewilderment, you see nothing but spoons. Thousands upon thousands of spoons, and not a single knife! This is ironic because you expected the knife factory advertising a free knife giveaway to house knives. When you entered the factory to find spoons instead of knives, the opposite of what you expected to happen happened. That, Jethro, is Irony.
Here’s another example as per Saturday Night Live: Bill Brasky hating Mexicans, and he himself being half Mexican…Now that’s irony. Him hating irony is just bitter icing on a stale Little Debbie.
Is this starting to make sense to you? If it isn’t, then for Christ’s sake, STOP TRYING TO SPOUT OFF ABOUT THINGS BEING IRONIC. Buy yourself a dictionary, and read it. I’m not sure if you know this, but a dictionary is a book filled with pages upon which are printed hundreds–nay thousands– of words that you are using incorrectly, if at all. And watch your back. I’m not afraid to correct you in front of your girlfriend who wears entirely too much lip gloss. This is just a wild guess, but I’m going to go out on a limb and tell you that you should stop listening to Nickelback, too.