Rye Silverman reviews What Happens in Vegas
Opening this week is What Happens in Vegas, a romantic comedy starring Ashton Kutcher and Cameron Diaz. From the trailers I have been forced to watch before almost every movie I have seen since December, it appears these two unappealing leads have a quickie Vegas wedding, decide it was a mistake, and then before they get it annulled, Kutcher wins $3 Million, half of which Diaz now wants. Back in New York, Judge Dennis Miller (let me repeat that, Judge. Dennis. Miller.) decides the two must live together as a married couple for six months in order to get the money. The two characters then begin doing horrible and disgusting things to each other in an attempt to somehow get the other to back out of the marriage, and we assume, eventually fall in love.
It’s a horrible premise, because what does Judge Dennis Miller care about the marriage of two greedy assholes? I also don’t know much about the Law, but I am fairly certain most judges wouldn’t rule against an annulment if the only reason one party wanted the marriage to stand was for money. Or, at best, both parties would be forced to settle for half the winnings. Oh no! It would really suck to only get half of a THREE MILLION DOLLAR JACKPOT. We’re really supposed to feel sympathetic for characters who refuse to *settle* for 1.5 Million dollars each? (before taxes.)
However, weak premises are a dime a dozen in romantic comedies, and yet many still get along just fine. What kills them, however, is having two leads who are completely and utterly unappealing and unlikeable in any way, shape, or form. The only movie I have ever liked Cameron Diaz in was The Mask, and that includes Something About Mary. Every time I saw her giggling on a couch with her Charlie’s Angels co-stars I wished they’d give me the guns they took away from the characters so I could blow all three away.
And I get that he produced a successful reality show and was on a popular sitcom a few years ago, but has Ashton Kutcher had a true hit movie, ever? The Answer is No. In fact, under his belt are three (THREE!) failed romantic comedies. His most financially successful, Just Married, garnered a 20% Freshness rating on Rotten Tomatoes, and his follow up, My Boss’s Daughter was such a bomb that it didn’t even get enough reviews to earn a freshness rating, and the reviews it does have are awful.
To further nail home my point that Kutcher is an awful choice for any romantic lead character, let me just include a few blurbs from the reviews of his “rom com” work:
“Kutcher and Reid not only don’t light up the screen, they put out the candles” “Some of the worst acting in a movie in 2003.(link)” “Besides the sub-par script the problem is that Kutcher and Murphy have zero chemistry.(link)” “Murphy has no comic timing and Kutcher overcompensates. His mistimed pratfalls and superfluous gurning are a means to distract you from their otherwise banal interaction. If nobody says anything vaguely amusing within five minutes, chances are, Kutcher will fall on his face.(link)” “More often than not, however, screen couples fall squarely in the middle of these extremes; you accept them as lovers, but only because the movie keeps reminding you to do so. Such is the case with Ashton Kutcher and Amanda Peet, the fresh-faced stars of A Lot Like Love (link)”
But maybe I’m being unfair to What Happens in Vegas… after all, plenty of actors have done awful, awful movies, and it doesn’t mean every movie they do is bad. (Paul Rudd for example.) And What Happens in Vegas does co-star three very strong comedic talents: Zach Galifianakis, Jason Sudeikis, and Rob Corddry who has already pulled in great undercard performances this year in Semi Pro, and Harold and Kumar 2. All three guys are funny enough to *almost* make me want to give Vegas a chance. (Side note: god bless the IMDb for accurate spelling on their last names)
But no, I’m sorry, just from the TRAILER this movie is bad. The trailer features a scene where Kutcher’s character plays a meeeeeaaaan prank on Diaz’s character, removes the toilet seat from the commode, so that she falls in! Hahaha! because get it!? Women always complain men leave the seat up! Now there is no seat! And you know how women always just go ass-first into the bathroom with their eyes closed without ever looking at the toilet, so of course she would fall right in, instead of taking one look at the seatless toilet and going “Dude, what the hell?!” And also, we learn Ashton has removed the toilet seat, because once we hear the sound effect of Diaz falling into the porcelain waters, Ashton pulls the seat out from under his blanket to reveal it to the audience/camera he is apparently aware of, demonstrated by his need to show off his prank, since he would already be aware of it himself and as such, why would he need to display it?
But hey, again, I haven’t seen it, so why take my word on how bad this movie is going to be? Let’s ask Richard Cortiss of TIME Magazine, whose following quote was also blurbed on Rotten Tomatoes, where the movie is currently maintaining a 27% freshness rating:
“Why do we have to suffer through movies like What Happens in Vegas, which is the worst-in-breed not only for this year, but very likely in living memory. (link)”
You’re right Richard, we shouldn’t have to suffer through movies like this, and I’m not going to.