Demmin, GERMANY: Confusion struck the nation of Germany, and indeed the world, when Chancellor Angela Merkel was doused in beer during a Christian Democratic Union meeting last week. What had seemed to be blatant clumsiness of a waiter around one of the most stoic and cold political leaders in Europe seemed to be a blessing, as Chancellor Merkel did not have the waiter, known as Martin, beheaded, but merely shrugged the incident off and drank her beer.
Tragedy has struck the holiday season, as an elf on the shelf at the Madison famiy residence was found mutilated in front of the living room fireplace early this morning.
Pyongyang, NORTH KOREA: The highly possible, thought to have already happened and covered up by the use of body-doubles, has supposedly happened: North Korean dictator/rap artist/movie director/aviator trend-setter has passed away. The official reports state that Kim suffered a heart attack while riding a train on Dec. 17, and died of complications. However, many are under the suspicion that the East Coast VS West Coast cold war that escalated this past decade may have led to the demise. The news came as suddenly as any other seemingly doctored news that comes out of North Korea, as media reports from the country are alluding to the possibility that the rap feud between the United States and North Korea had something to do with “Dear Leader’s” death.
Sirte, LIBYA: The world lost a legend today, as Libyan revolutionary forces surrounded the village of Sirte in a man-hunt for Tommy Lee Jones, who allegedly died in a shoot-out between the opposing forces. Witnesses confirmed that they saw the tall, elderly gentleman with Aviators enter a tunnel in the town, and did not emerge after a group of armed revolutionaries entered.
New York, NY: The holiday season is gearing up for its launch as Halloween looms closer. For one citizen, the holiday season is already here, as Paul Emmerlan prepares to celebrate his first Canadian Thanksgiving. “I have a housemate from Canada, so this will be the first time I’ll be celebrating a Canadian Thanksgiving,” stated Mr. Emmerlan. “I guess she was a bit upset that most people weren’t off for her holiday. Sure, it’s Columbus Day, too, but who really celebrates that?”
Quaqortoq, GREENLAND: The path of hurricane Irene has been set to ride the mid to north-eastern coast of the United States, causing residents to panic in their own ways. However, the citizens of one particular region have felt neglected ever since learning how close they would be to the path of devastation: southwest Greenland. In the closing hours before Hurricane Irene would move out to sea, the eye of the storm would be passing close to 300 miles away from Cape Farewell, the southern-most tip of Greenland ,leading to possible rain showers and winds up to 15 miles an hour.
Vienna, AUSTRIA: For years, the wince-enticing entertainer known has Dane Cook has held a record that few believed was sought after, much less able to be broken. That record is for the longest wait to a punchline for a joke in a public forum. Now, the record has finally been broken, as Austrian citizen Niko Alm extended the wait for a punchline to 3 years
Washington, DC: It is all but official. After being on the minds of the American public for almost 10 years after the terrorist activities he masterminded from across the Atlantic Ocean, the world’s leading terrorist threat has been eliminated. According to correspondents at The Inept Owl, Armin Van Buuren is dead.
St. Louis, MO: For what seems like 5 years, the anticipated royal wedding between Prince William and Catherine Middleton has loomed larger and larger. Luckily, the wedding, which is likely to last 4 or 5 days, will be over soon, making way for the least anticipated wedding of the past few decades next week. Following the creation of Calliam/Witherine, the non-royal coupling of James Guffler and Stacey Anderson is to be celebrated next weekend, keeping gossip, style, and entertainment magazines off their toes for the boring details of the entire affair.