London, England: As word came down this weekend that Amy Winehouse had finally succumbed to the unenviable miseries of stardom, adulation and millions of dollars by croaking in her home, fans of the famed soul crooner were found gathered outside her home shouting “NO, NO, NO!!!” Her manager, looking for some brightness amidst the gloom said, “now Wino can go home and be with her mum.” When told that Winehouse’s mother was still living her manager said “well, her grandmother then.”
Browsing: Barely News
Bel Aire, CA: After years of waiting while younger, more surprising celebrities passed on, the final chapter of death pools worldwide was closed yesterday. Dick Clark has defeated Elizabeth Taylor.
New York, NY: This past weekend tragedy struck, as that orbiting chunk of rock, the moon, came a whole 2 inches closer to the Earth than usual. The proximity caused a rippling effect of disaster, as supermoon sightings caused havoc down the East Coast.
The Administration has stated that it will no longer use Federal resources to engage in court battles defending what one Administration member called the archaic institution of marriage. This is thought to create the beginnings of a slippery slope that could result in marriage between two men, two woman, a liberal and a conservative, a man and an animal, a woman and an animal, and any other crazy combination of mammalian species.
New York, NY: The end of 2010 is upon us, but yearly critics say 2011 won’t begin much better. The cause: horribly designed novelty glasses and a rhyme scheme that makes a song about twenty-eleven seem impossible.
New York, NY: In a strange twist in what is already a strange set of circumstances, N. Y. Jets coach Rex Ryan insists that he and his wife do not have a foot fetish. Ryan, in consultation with Dr. Phil, has concluded that he and his wife have a “foot fattish”. This is a slight modification on what is typically known as a foot fetish. In this new type of obsession the common foot fetish is combined with the less common (in women) fat fetish combining two irresistible fetishes in one.
Los Angeles, CA: Suspicions have arose around comedian Andy Dick concerning his substance abuse and the erratic behavior that accompanies it: drug possession; indecent exposure; public intoxication; sexual abuse and lewd behavior; Comedy Central Roasts. Not one of these activities has been attributed to Andy Dick for the past 5 months, causing immense public concern.
Fort Lauderdale, FL: The world had its last underrated laugh this past Sunday, as complicated actor Leslie Nielsen passed away in his sleep due to complications of pneumonia. While countless fans an celebrities are shocked by the actor’s death, none are more shocked than Leslie Nielsen himself, who seems to be in a state of denial about the whole ordeal.
As of this writing, the NFL is considering fining Seymour for “Bitch-Slapping a Defenseless Rapist.”
Minneapolis, MN: Much like Bill Clinton in the midst of the Monica Lewinsky scandal fumbling for a usable definition of “it”, most people are very curious as to how to interpret the word “this” in Ms. Favre’s statement that she is “dealing with this through faith”. Does she mean heartburn? Her period? The recent drought in Kiln? Or does she mean her husband’s ongoing, and apparently failing, attempts at infidelity with women that look just like Deanna did, oh, about 25 years ago when Deanna was cheering for some Podunk high school in Mississippi. The smart money is on this latter possibility.