Our asinine political analysis breaks down Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz.
Name: Rafael Edward Cruz
Political Affiliation: Republican Party
Status: Sith Lord
Known For: U.S. Senator 2013 – Present, Being the most hated Canadian in the history of Earth
Likes: Flat Tax, Tea Parties, Executions, Stand Your Ground, Southern Hospitality
Dislikes: President Obama, Science, Foreign Alliances, Donald Trump, Net Neutrality
Public Outlook: Ted Cruz is believed to be the political side of the Tea Party Movement, with Donald Trump being the business side. Dissolution of government, free-carry, the death penalty, and the right to shoot people on his lawn are the policies of Texas that Cruz could very well bring to The Union. Either that, or he’ll secede with the state of Texas.
Pros: If the state of Texas can put aside bigotry to elect a Cuban American born in Canada as a U.S. Senator, Cruz must be able to do something right.
Cons: If the state of Texas can put aside bigotry to elect a Cuban American born in Canada as a U.S. Senator, Cruz could be evil incarnate.
Quote: “I am a very, very proud wacko bird.”