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Bernie Sanders Combs Hair, Examines Political Options

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New York, NY – This week, Vermont Senator and Seinfield co-creator Bernie Sanders made his own Palin-esque vote grab by announcing that he would be speak before an audience of Goldman-Sachs executives next month. The name of the speech will be “How Wall Street Helps Lift the Working Class” and touches on several topics, namely how the ambition of the big banks is what makes America great. He has accepted payment of over one hundred thousand dollars for the speaking engagement.

This move comes as part of the Sanders campaign’s transition into mainstream. Campaign Manager Jeff Weaver spoke to reporters yesterday, explaining that the coming months would see Bernie transition into a candidate worthy of nomination from the Democratic National Committee.

“When we were the underdog, we were just kind of winging it, you know?” admitted Weaver. “Single-payer healthcare? Breaking up the big banks?” Weaver shook his head. “Those were some crazy times.”

In speeches, Sanders has begun to shift gears, focusing more on the serious, mainstream issues like attacking the other candidates. Recently in a speech in Iowa he called for an investigation into Clinton’s private email server scandal.

“I think the American people are really interested in what’s in her damn emails. Isn’t that right, Anderson?” Sanders indicated Anderson Cooper in the crowd of press. CNN later wrote glowingly about Bernie, proclaiming him the “realist’s candidate.”

The shift has prompted dismay among socialists and hipsters. Hannah McKenna, a poli-sci major at Columbia, complained to reporters that she just spent her Starbucks paycheck on a “Feel the Bern” ugly sweater just days before he became mainstream.

“It’ll take a week before my ‘Hip Hillary’ shirt comes in. How will I show how anti-establishment I am?” said McKenna.

The change in the Sanders campaign has driven droves of disgruntled college students to the Clinton camp. The Clinton campaign, for its part, has begun the transition out of the mainstream. Clinton has been going door-to-door and holding town hall sessions, embracing her new role as the populist candidate.

True to form, her campaign today released Clinton’s new budget plan, which involves melting down the Wall Street charging bull and using the bronze to pay off student loans.

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