Austin, TX— Today, Texas Governor and George W. Bush Impersonator Rick Perry announced the institution of a new curriculum in state schools that would “teach the controversy.” Perry explained that the controversy was not just limited to the origin of man, but some recent advances in other fields have called into question whether they’ve moved too far away from the Biblical foundations of science.
In a press conference, Governor Perry suggested that, “Some experts have forgotten the biggest supporter of science: God. This curriculum will correct the misguided teaching of reading, writing and…um…I forgot the third one.”
The curriculum has already begun to be implemented in Perry’s home district of Haskell. The health class has been tailored to stick closer to the Bible in its portrayal of the human reproductive process. Early reports show a noticeable decline in the number of teenage pregnancies among those taking the new class. At the same time, there was a significant increase in the number of immaculate conceptions. This led staff to suggest instituting a state-wide immaculate conception planning service, but funding for this project was denied by Perry’s administration as “Socialism” and suggested students practice “safe prayer.”
Biology classes and textbooks have been revised to include disclaimers that, although the human body is very complex, God was the one that designed the whole thing. This has lead some students to become confused by the content. After an extensive class on the human digestive system, one 10th grade student was quoted as saying, “Man, God is gross.”
One woodshop teacher in Haskell elementary expressed concerns about the new curriculum. “These kids are smart and all but no matter how many classes I run, no student has ever built an arc that’s remotely seaworthy.”
Critics of the new curriculum have spoken out strongly. Bill Nye, childhood entertainer and adulthood reminder that nothing about our childhood is sacred, spoke to reporters: “This curriculum is designed by people with degrees from the worst schools: Valley Forge Christian College; Liberty University; Carnegie-Mellon. These are the worst of the worst. They don’t care about education.”
Nye was unable to elaborate on his comments, as he was on his way to the next stop on his “I Really Want to Be Famous Again” tour where he would be debating a magician for children’s parties about whether his magic tricks were just misdirection.
Supporters of the curriculum have been similarly outspoken. Dr. John McJohnjohn, PhD in Theistic Psychobabble from Carnegie-Mellon claimed critics were just projecting their preconscious obsessional neuroses from their libidinous feelings towards their mothers.
Perry also dismissed criticisms, saying, “The education can’t be that bad. Look at me. I went to school in Haskell.”