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Congress Votes to Ban “That Hook Thing That Scrapes Your Teeth at the Dentist”



Washington, D.C.: Following President Barack Obama’s plea for Congress to finally work together to resolve disputes over issues such as healthcare reform and renewable energy sources, Congress has voted to ban dental scalers, otherwise known in the bill as “that hook thing they scrape your teeth with at the dentist,” or simply “that damn hook thing.”

The vote was passed in the House of Representatives with an overwhelming majority of 355 to 77 with supporters across party lines. “I hope this shows that we can and will work together on certain issues,” stated Speaker of the House John Boehner. “We’re certainly not above setting our differences aside, especially when it comes to those damn hook things.”

“I really hate those,” said Assistant Democratic Leader Jim Clyburn (S.C.). “It just feels like nails on a chalkboard as they scrape at your teeth with that thing.” Clyburn did note that as much as he hates the scalers, they have made him better about flossing in the hopes that he can avoid them.

The bill will next be sent to the Senate, where it is once again expected to pass with overwhelming support. Democratic Majority Leader Harry Reid (NV) called the bill, “A testament to the ideal of cooperation and America’s ability to overcome obstacles, especially when it comes to that weird hook thing nobody likes.”

Public opinion polls have shown Americans have a strong approval for the bill, where 73% of those polled were in favor of the ban on scalers while the remaining 27% were thought to be dentists, paid by dentists, or people who have never seen a dentist and have no idea what a scaler was.

In response, Dr. Charles Norman, chairman of the American Dental Association, stated that though scalers “are pretty weird and uncomfortable,” they are essential to the dental health of Americans. Despite pleas from Norman and other dentists, however, President Obama plans to sign the bill into law, stating “at least we can all agree on something.”

“Also, that hook thing does freak me out a little,” the President added.

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Patrick is a comedy writer living in Chicago. He enjoys writing articles that hopefully make people chuckle and think, "Hey, that was pretty alright." He does that here and he also does it over at Man Cave Daily. If you thought something he wrote was pretty alright, boy howdy he sure does appreciate it.

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