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US Government to Destroy Over 1,000 Tons of Elmo Dolls for Environmental Safety



Washington, DC: In an effort to protect the natural environment as well as the mental health of Americans, the US Bureau of Safety and Environmental Enforcement released plans to destroy 6 tons of illegitimate resources capable to creating hazards to the natural environment as well as to public safety: Elmo dolls.

For the past 17 years, the public demand for Elmo dolls, beginning with Tickle-Me Elmo in 1996, had reached dangerous levels that have lead to mass hysteria, rioting, store poaching, as well as the creation of ridiculous knock-offs. Each holiday season, the release of a new Elmo doll has lead to multiple casualties due to shopping on Black Friday, making even toy stores unsafe during the holiday season. This shopping craze for Elmo has even lead to the poaching of delivery vehicles, the kidnapping of employees, and all-out assaults on stores in order to poach Elmo dolls before they are officially on sale.

The United States government has taken the actions against another environmental hazard and incorporated them into an effort to stem the demand of Elmo dolls: the recent destruction of confiscated, black market ivory. In November, the United States Fish and Wildlife Services planned to destroy 6 tons of black market ivory that it had confiscated over the years. China has followed suit by destroying over 6 tons of ivory earlier today. The Elmo stockpile that is to be destroyed is believed to be measured at over 1,000 tons.

For many, the destruction of Elmo dolls couldn’t come quicker. “The demand for Elmo dolls has been crippling the environment for years,” explained conservationist Mark Hollinger. “Everywhere you look, that red face and googly eyes stair at you, laughing and yelling in that ridiculously high-pitched voice. It’s about time the government stood up to this ecological menace.”

Some, however, believe that the destruction of Elmo dolls will only increase the demand, bolstering the price as well as the advertising involved in selling them. “It’s basic supply and demand economics,” stated macroeconomics pundit Evelyn Wasner. “You destroy tons of Elmo dolls? Great, but it doesn’t stop anyone from wanting the Elmo dolls. And since there are now less Elmo dolls, the price per pound of Elmo doll increases, making Elmo manufacturing poaching just as lucrative as before. Even more so.”

It remains to be seen what the effects of the Elmo destruction will be, due to the fact that no-one cares about Elmo dolls outside of the holiday season.

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