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Most Emotionally Distant Galaxy Discovered

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Kamuela, HI: In an exciting discovery, astronomers based in Hawaii’s Keck Observatory have confirmed the existence of the “most emotionally distant” galaxy yet. The first indication of the closed-off galaxy, named z8_GND_5297, was noted when researchers observed other galaxies attempting to get z8_GND_5297 to open up about the recent supernova of one of its stars.

“We’ve never seen a galaxy this cut off from everything else,” said lead researcher Steven Finkelstein, stating that the galaxy was now light years away from its father with virtually no contact. “And we haven’t found too many planets inside of it either. Nothing hospitable, anyway. It’s like there’s nothing even there.” Finkelstein noted that there were also, “like, a ton of black holes.”

After repeated observations, the astronomers noted that several of z8_GND_5297’s planets had been defaced by meteors that are thought to have arrived many years ago. Based on the trajectory, the meteors were sent from z8_GND_5297’s father, m4_EXD_7347, as a result of the former being “a major fucking disappointment.”

Upon further investigation, the researchers were able to conclude that m4_EXD_7347 found its offspring to be such a colossal failure for “not being able to produce just one planet with a fucking habitable atmosphere.” The closest the galaxy was able to get to its father’s wishes was a single gas giant.

Now, when researchers view z8_GND_5297, they note that any time a significant catastrophic event occurs, such as a neutron star collision or a field of asteroids completely devastating a planet within z8_GND_5297, the galaxy elicits almost no emotional response.

“Even when something on the opposite spectrum happens, like a beautiful meteor shower, z8_GND_5297 doesn’t seem to really care, as though meteor showers are ‘just okay’ or something,” Finkelstein explained. “It’s completely withdrawn.”

“It might do well to have some counseling,” said fellow researcher Dr. Marek Kukula. “Maybe some other wise galaxy with a beard to tell him it’s not his fault.”

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Patrick is a comedy writer living in Chicago. He enjoys writing articles that hopefully make people chuckle and think, "Hey, that was pretty alright." He does that here and he also does it over at Man Cave Daily. If you thought something he wrote was pretty alright, boy howdy he sure does appreciate it.

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