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Students Rally Against Progress

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New York, NY: After more evidence surfaced for an additional element, students across the nation have banded together to protest the possible change to the periodic table, under the banner that they, “Don’t want to have to learn more shit.”

Fifteen-year-old Alec Turner founded the movement, which has spread across campuses from the East Coast through the Midwest, and is now reaching schools on the West Coast.

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On the website for the “We Don’t Want To Learn More Shit” movement, Turner is quoted as a rallying call to other students who are tired of learning new shit before they’ve even had a chance to learn the old shit.

“I remember when I was in elementary school in the early 2000’s and had just learned about the planets. Then like, two or three years later Pluto wasn’t a planet anymore. What, do we have to know the planets and now the dwarf planets? So many asshole teachers put that as a trick question on their tests right after that and I got points docked for it. Let’s not have that again with, ‘How many elements are there? Oh, but you missed the 115th one, so you’ll never go to college.'”

Kaylee North, a sophomore at Shawnee Mission West in Overland Park, KS, joined the movement after reading an article about NASA discovering a gas giant planet that defied the current theory of how such planets form. North stated, “It was just too much. I started reading about that stupid planet that’s just a bunch of random uppercase and lowercase letters and a few numbers and how it was different and how we’d have to change everything we knew in the astronomy section of my general science book. I just got tired of it.”

North added that after exiting out of the article, she went to her bed and laid there doing absolutely nothing of value for a solid two hours, describing it as, “The greatest time in my life.”

Many members of the scientific community, initially baffled at students’ apparent lack of desire for progress, reported that they had since tried the, “Not learning any more shit” approach and found it to be, “completely awesome.”

“I didn’t even realize how tired I was,” said professor Dirk Rudolph, the lead researcher of the new element. “I just sat on my couch for a while and watched episodes of ‘Louie’ on Netflix and it was the most relaxed I’ve been in a while.”

When pressed about the progress of finding more evidence for the new element, Rudolph requested that we, “Get off [his]back,” “Knock first,” and then uttered a series of unintelligible grunts.

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Patrick is a comedy writer living in Chicago. He enjoys writing articles that hopefully make people chuckle and think, "Hey, that was pretty alright." He does that here and he also does it over at Man Cave Daily. If you thought something he wrote was pretty alright, boy howdy he sure does appreciate it.

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