Jacksonville, FL: Fresh out of his trial, George Zimmerman is rumored to have signed a contract with Fox News to become a commentator and host of a new reality television show. The show, titled “Stand Your Ground”, appears to be modeled to appeal to the same television audience as COPS and Duck Dynasty, but with Zimmerman’s personal touch.
Tentatively titled “Stand Your Ground”, the setup appears to be a camera crew accompanying Zimmerman in his ’98 Sentra as he aggravates minorities, children, the elderly, and house pets, forcing him to stand his ground. The pilot episode shows Zimmerman tailing a tall black male for several blocks until the man stops, approaches Zimmerman’s car and asks him politely what he’s doing.
The rest of the episode contains a half hour of Zimmerman weeping into his pillow followed by ten minutes of him looking at himself in the mirror while holding his handgun at his crotch. The next episode promises to be equally thrilling, with Zimmerman accompanying several Florida police as they take advantage of a new revision in the Stand Your Ground law that stipulates that any candy that does not melt in 20 minutes at room temperature is deemed a lethal weapon.
The revision to the law was announced last week, when Rick Scott, governor of Florida and avid race-baiter, decided to clarify the language to avoid confusion in interpretation.
For Zimmerman, this is just the beginning of what is becoming his new career in racial polarization. Jesse Jackson has already given him the nod for Bigot of the Year while Rev. Al Sharpton has already organized eleven rallies to have Zimmerman listed as a hate group. It would have been a dozen rallies, but one of them spun out of control and began asking for reform of Florida law and the judicial system.
Rev. Sharpton quickly distanced himself from this group, announcing to a very expensive press conference, “Now is not the time for rational reform and review. Now is the time for changing our Facebook pictures and wearing hoodies.”
There has even been talk that President Obama is considering inviting Zimmerman to the White House for a beer, showing official recognition of Zimmerman as a polarizing figure everyone will forget about in a year.
Fox News, for their part, is hiring Zimmerman as part of a re-branding process. Last week, Roger Ailes rose from his crypt to give a brief press conference.
“We’ve been looking for a way to appeal to black viewers. We tested this guy’s name and the reaction was off the charts,” explained Ailes. When he was informed that there were justice department charges pending on Zimmerman, Ailes waved away the concern. “Come on, if I turned down every commentator with a civil rights violation charge on their record, I wouldn’t have a network. I mean, Fox and Friends would just be a bunch of empty couches.”