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Mississippi Rallies Behind Obesity


Jackson, MS: This week, Governor Phil Bryant signed into law a ban on regulation of portion size and nutrition, officially endorsing Mississipians’ rights to eat themselves into a coma.  The ban is a huge win for pro-obesity groups, breathing new life into a movement that has become embattled ever since the public began to wonder whether the KFC double-down had gone too far.

Photo courtesy of Village Voice.

Photo courtesy of Village Voice.

“We’re happy to see at least one state endorsing the American right to gluttony,” said Bill McQuiddich, spokesperson for FATTS (Franchises Against Transfat Tyranny). “Every time I see a fruit display at 7-11 or a package of low-fat Oreos, I get a little choked up.” He shook his head. “It’s un-American.”

The ban has presented an opportunity for businesses to take portions to the next level.  7-11 has begun offering the Bigger Gulp, a portion so massive it is served to customers in re-purposed trash cans, an effort by 7-11 to be more “green”.  The Bigger Gulp will be served for a limited time with the promotional Empa-bur-quito-dog, which is a dozen taquitos stuffed with corn dogs wrapped in cheese, rice and beans and then deep fried.  The meal will come with complementary chocolate dipping sauce.

KFC has decided to keep closer to tradition by simply offering a new portion option they’re calling “Mississippi-size”.  The exact details have not been worked out yet, but a leaked recipe calls for a hundred chickens shaped into a man or one man-sized chicken.

The ban has drawn some criticism relating to Mississippi having the highest obesity rates in the country, and obesity rates in decline since some local legislation banned sugary drinks and deep-fried foods in schools.  Scientists expect this decline to reverse as the bans are lifted to comply with this new law.

The Mississippi school board has taken action to respond to this threat by tripling the amount of pizza offered on the menu.  Since Congress declared pizza a vegetable last year, this will ensure children will receive servings in accordance with USDA recommendations.

Some groups are championing the law as a victory against big government.  Other bills have been proposed across the country, some calling for an end to state funding of the Fire Department, asserting Americans’ right to be on fire.  Other bills are pushing for the government to close down the CDC, insisting that the Constitution guarantees the right to die of dysentery.

With the passing of this law, Mississippi has put its trust in industry leaders to keep American interests in mind.

“Don’t mess with the buffet!” Mark Leggett, president of the Mississippi Poultry Association actually said.  He followed that up by cackling loudly, pecking reporters and laying an egg.

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