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Totally Recalled: Replacement Parts

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With the release of a new version of Total Recall, many questions arise as to how it will live up to the original. Will it be on Mars? Will there be a twist ending that goes against the grain? How will they manage a three-breasted woman in a PG-13 movie?

In order to placate our nerdist hopes, we have compiled some of the most volatile plot and cast replacements in order to better understand this remake, and decide if it is for better or for worse.

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1) Kate Beckinsale VS Sharon Stone

In one corner, we have the British beauty that has had many drooling since Underworld, Kate Beckinsale, who has become a bit of an action star under the direction of her husband, Len Wiseman. It’s not a bad concept, as beauty, brains, and brawn once again are built into one woman that you wouldn’t mind getting pounded by if it meant she touches you without a restraining order.

Unfortunately, it’s hard to dethrone the sultry seductress, Sharon Stone. While she may not be as fantastic in the action department as Lori, the double-agent, but was literally sweatier to the point that workout clothing from the 90s just made sense.

Winner: Tie

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2) Colin Farrell VS Arnold Schwarzenegger

Colin Farrell has done it all, most of it “all” quite well, so playing Quaid/Hauser isn’t really a surprise. someone had to take on the featured male role, and Hugh Jackman was probably busy. Farrell isn’t a show-stealer, so this may be to the benefit of the story-line, assuming it has a good one.

On the other hand, Arnold Schwarzenegger helped the original Total Recall keep going even after the plot seemed to become too simplistic. Well, simplistic by today’s standards of the plot twist. It was one of those roles that was made for The Terminator, which makes it hard to imagine anyone else fulfilling the role.

Winner: Arnold Schwarzenegger

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3) Three-Breasted Woman VS Three-Breasted Woman

The most-asked question when people learned that Total Recall was being remade was, “Will there be a three-breasted woman?” The answer became a blaring “YES”, as Kaitlyn Leeb went to Comic-Con 2012 to show off her mammary prosthetics. Unfortunately, the movie is PG-13, so how much of those prosthetics we will see is most likely minimal.

The original three-breasted woman was lucky enough to be in an R-rated film, so we could easily confirm that she had three breasts, and not just because Martian cab driver Benny exclaimed, “I wish I had three hands!” Unfortunately, we would rather see Kaitlyn Leeb show off that physical marvel more so than Lycia Naff. No offense to Ms. Naff, of course. Maybe it was just the screen resolution.

Winner: Kaitlyn Leeb

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4) Hover Car VS JohnnyCab

Flying cars are the next great thing that the future hasn’t given us yet, so it’s always nice to see new and improved versions of that sort of automobile that promises to take to the road, or sky, one day. Total Recall has surely raised the bar for gear-heads everywhere.

Unfortunately, the humor of the JohnnyCab scene is completely lost. Neither the ridiculous look of an automated cab-driver that looks like a gas station attendant from the 1950s or the ridiculous image of Arnold Schwarzenegger getting into something akin to a Mini Cooper seems to be making screen-time in the remake.

Winner: JohnnyCab

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5) Bill Nighy VS Kuato

Bill Nighy was becoming the go-to actor when you needed a villain, and with good reason. Nighy displays a creepy, conspiratorial intelligence that just begs to be displayed as a Bond villain. This time, he is rebelling against a seemingly fascist government. Pending any odd twists, this may be his moment to break out of character acting.

Oddly enough, Nighy is going up against another cubby-holed villain, Marshall Bell, who was part of one of the greatest marvels of special effects at the time, Kuato. Why Kuato never received an Oscar is lost on me.

Winner: Kuato

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6) Prosthetic Disguise VS CGI Disguise

Special effects have come a long way, so it is no surprise that, when Quaid is disguising himself in the Total Recall, he uses a digital cloak to change his appearance. It looks interesting, and probably works better than latex.

However, nothing can compare to the idea of Arnold Schwarzenegger dressed up as an overweight woman(at least, at the time of Total Recall. It would not be as surprising after Junior and Jingle All the Way). Once again, good old-fashioned special effects makes the world a better place.

Winner: Prosthetics

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7) Jessica Biel VS Rachel Ticotin

Times may have changed, but a love for brunettes has not. While Jessica Biel may not seem like a normal choice for an action movie, it stands to reason that any man, and some women, would have no problem being saved by her, unless it was a plot-line of “7th Heaven”.

Rachel Ticotin’s casting for the original Total Recall makes a bit more sense as a rebel agent, but only after she had done voice-work for the action cartoon, “Gargoyles”, as well as movies such as Falling Down. Not quite the action resume, but when you’re following Arnold Schwarzenegger around, there isn’t much you have to do.

Winner: Jessica Biel

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At the very least, the Total Recall redux, specifically three-breasted women, led to the compilation of the greatest otherworldly women to grace the silver screen.

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Patrick is the man behind the man behind the site behind the man.... When he isn't writing for The Inept Owl, saving penguins from Hulk Hogan, and other activities that could be either truths or lies, he's editing everything else.

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