Los Angeles, CA: In light of the recent scandal involving the screen couple turned Hollywood couple, Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart, fans and critics have been flooding the media with important, world-changing questions, such as:

1) Who gets the dog?

2) Who is moving out of the house?

3) Will there be a “Snow White” sequel?

4) How will the couple manage at the MTV Movie Awards?

The real question, however, is what will happen to The Twilight Saga‘s final sequel, Breaking Dawn Part 2. With an off-screen break up, the romance between a moody teenaged girl and a sparkly vampire that has constantly been interrupted by some guy without his shirt on may not seem so realistic.

Luckily, producers have allegedly begun shooting an alternative story-line for Breaking Dawn Part 2 to be considerate of fans’ feelings toward the real life Edward/Bella break-up. The new plot will feature talk show host Maury Povich, and will pit Edward and Jacob against each other as Maury performs one of his paternity test segments on Bella.

“This movie was already begging for some weird, romantic twist away from the books,” explained Twi-hard and pseudo movie critic Lance Richards. “We know Edward and Bella had sex, but we really don’t know if she slept with Jacob. There were plenty of scenes that those two weren’t in sight, and it would explain Jacob imprinting the unborn child a lot better than writing him off as a pedophile.”

The Maury Povich segment will be set on his normal talk show stage, and will run an hour and a half, leaving only another half hour to fill with original footage to make the plot coherent.

When asked how they may be able to get the separated actors back in front of the camera together, video editor Martin Krupner exclaimed, “We got Arnold Schwarzenegger to beat the crap out of Christian Bale for a solid half hour. I’m sure we can use some movie magic to be able to yell, ‘You are not the father‘ at Robert Pattinson.”

By Patrick AE

Patrick is the man behind the man behind the site behind the man.... When he isn't writing for The Inept Owl, saving penguins from Hulk Hogan, and other activities that could be either truths or lies, he's editing everything else.