Las Vegas, NV: A recent report published by the National Institute of Health (NIH) has provided evidence that regular intercourse may be good for you. This report came after an exhaustive series of taxpayer-funded studies investigating the benefits of sex according to the foremost experts: lab scientists.
“It really is a breakthrough,” insisted Dr. McCulloch at the NIH. “There’s even evidence that the smarter your partner is, the more healthy it is. I mean, that’s just a hypothesis now, but we’re working to test it.”
The report explains in depth what millions of dollars of research has uncovered. According to MRIs, CAT scans, and EEGs, the act of intercourse produces noticeable elevations in mood. Of course, this effect is dulled somewhat by the difficulty of engaging in the act while keeping the electrodes in place. Not to mention what scientist call “attention bias” from participant’s discomfort at the prospect of being watched by a team of researchers.
The report has touched off a series of changes. In Arizona, widely known as one of the most progressive states, the governor has established a new branch of the health department devoted to connecting residents to sex services. There are even rumors of a partnership with private company Match.com.
The findings have already altered the medical field. Doctors have begun writing prescriptions based on the NIH’s recommendations. To deal with this new demand, many massage therapists have answered the call. The National Certification Board for Therapeutic Massage issued a statement to its members, saying, “Really, it was only a matter of time.”
There may be even more broad-reaching changes on the horizon. The Affordable Healthcare Act, as is, requires insurance companies to provide coverage of some preventative services. It has been proposed in Congress that the Act be amended to reflect the NIH’s findings.
“Americans have the right to regular sex,” Representative McMahon stated on the floor yesterday. “It’s what the framers would have wanted. I mean, have you ever read a biography of Thomas Jefferson?”
Of course, not all responses have been positive. A number of radical religious groups have insisted that the only way sex is good for your health is if it’s between a married man and woman. They have begun research on this subject, but have been having some difficulty finding radical religious scientists, much less radical religious couples that still have sex.
Despite this opposition, Dr. McCulloch is hopeful that the public will eventually accept this and the results of his other studies. “We’ve got many exciting projects on the horizon,” He said. “For example, we’re seeing promising results in studies of the effect of vodka shots on cognition.”