The second Republican debate in Florida was held yesterday, pitting the political powerhouses Mitt Romney, Ron Paul, Newt Gingrich, and some guy named Rick against each other in a battle of issues, relevancy, and for America.
Those who viewed the podium bout were filled with questions, and hopefully were given answers, however I had an appointment to have my nose-hairs plucked out by a chicken, and could not be one of the audience.
Luckily, the internet has a wide range of images depicting the debate from beginning to end, so I will explain what happened to the best of my abilities.
Phase 1: The National Anthem
While not the most poignant time of a debate, a candidates activities during the national anthem can show how well each candidate acts during such a public time of expression. For some, like Mitt Romney, activities may include trying to serenade Wolf Blitzer off-camera. For others, like Rick Santorum, a well-placed mumbling of incoherent words may pass in order to protect the fact that he never learned to read. Others like Newt Gingrich and Ron Paul may not do anything during the national anthem, unsure of where they even are or what’s going on.
Phase 2: Slander Protection, or Initial Strikes
Adamant about not being overrun about his infidelity scandal from 1998, New Gingrich began the proceeding by explaining just how he fondled his intern’s breast in order to woo her. When Wolf Blitzer explained that he merely asked the candidate to state his name, he calmly put his arm down.
Phase 3: Thinning the Herd
Unfortunately, due to some iffy Santorum Salad, Rick Santorum needed to excuse himself from the debate in order to self-deport a “stomach problem.”
Phase 4: Debate
The debate finally gained some steam when the candidates were able to get a grip on the most poignant debate topic: penis size.
It was a debate point that even a man with 3 wives couldn’t take away from Newt Gingrich.
Luckily for Romney, he did have an edge on a 76 year old.
Phase 5: Trickery
Ron Paul used everything he learned from watching the Harry Potter series as a last-ditch attempt to make his opponents look like drooling simpletons.
Surprisingly, it worked. Or, did it?
Phase 6: Closing Address
In order to shop their hipness, and not their hip replacements, the trio of Gingrich, Romney, and Paul posed for a Charlie’s Angels tribute. Rumors of a swimsuit photo-shoot have been unfounded.