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Horrible Horoscopes: Week of 6-13-2011

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Aries

ARIES

Try not to get too caught up in the swirl of public relations. Just have a good time, and people will understand your intentions. Just ask Anthony Weiner, Brett Favre, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and our editor.

 

 

 

 


 

Taurus

TAURUS

A new person breezes into your life, and they should bring a fresh perspective that you need in a big way. Just ignore it, and things will move comfortably, numbingly along.

 

 

 

 

 


 

Gemini

GEMINI

A shy person’s happiness is not your responsibility. There is no harm, however, in giving them a gratuitous nude viewing.

 

 

 

 

 

 


 

Cancer

CANCER

You can tell that things are weird today, but maybe not so weird that you need to make any changes. That depends on whether or not you find using the device millions lose everyday as a personal wallet device and cars that drive themselves and needing to spend hundres of dollars on ink toner as weird, of course.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


 

Leo

LEO

An arrogant person is hiding the fact that he or she is intimidated by you by arrogantly not trying to be arrogant around you in order to intimidate you.

Oh, fuck you, zodiac…

 

 

 

 


 

Virgo

VIRGO

Your advice to a friend may be seen as critical instead of constructive, you brazen, self-absorbed jack-ass.

 

 

 

 

 

 


 

Libra

LIBRA

Someone’s presence may make you feel weird at first, but you need to get used to it. Or hit them, or yourself, in the head with a shovel.

 

 

 

 

 


 

Scorpio

SCORPIO

How you communicate determines your willpower, which is why I used to put condoms under the drinks I’ve bought for strange women.

What? How do you think I got my wife? 34,724 portrayals of confidence.

 

 

 

 

 


 

Sagittarius

SAGITTARIUS

Trim every bit of fat from your budget today. It will help you fit into those skinny time slots reserved for tanning beds.

 

 


 

 

 


 

Capricorn

CAPRICORN

The way you handled a recent conflict was quite an accomplishment. Be sure to never try the line, “Of course I was drunk driving, officer! I was being chased by a escaped mental patient wearing a sombrero!”, again.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


 

Aquarius

AQUARIUS

Humor will invigorate you today. Maybe not what you’re reading right this second, but eventually.

 


 


 

 


 

Pisces

PISCES

You don’t have to accept the help of overly helpful colleagues if you don’t want to. Besides, they’re your colleagues, not your betters. If they knew anything, they would be kicking your ass to the curb after being “helpful” and take the big promotion themselves. Who, me venting?

 

 

 

 

 

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