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Man Kills Self with Peanut Butter

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Due to the high potency of peanut allergies, we were unable to show a real peanut lest a reader's eyes start bleeding.

Long Island, NY: Relatives of Steven Eggerson were shocked and saddened upon learning of the death of their son, brother, and cousin, who took his own life by ingesting a jar of peanut butter. Mr. Eggerson suffered from a vicious peanut allergy for many years and it appears that he used this allergy to cause his own demise. He left a note addressed to his “friends and family,” detailing his reasons for ending his life.

In the note, which has been released publicly, Eggerson, 40, pointed to the firing of Charlie Sheen from Two and a Half Men as a primary reason for his suicide. According to the note, titled “My Reasons For Eating Jif,” other causes included his inability to “hold down a stinking job,” maintain a relationship with a “woman who is not imaginary,” and “my mother selling my baseball card collection on Ebay without getting my permission first.”

Witnesses reported seeing Eggerson at his local grocery store, where he purchased a jar of Crunchy Jif peanut butter because, according to his mother, “it was on sale and he only had two dollars.” Eggerson had long been aware of his allergy to the legume, so the buying of the jar of Jif struck the locals as odd. He returned to his mother’s home and locked himself in the basement. When she became worried at his refusal to respond to her pleas that he leave the basement, the police were called. When they arrived, they busted down the basement door and found Eggerson and a half-eaten jar of Crunchy Jif peanut butter. Because of the amount of peanut butter forced down his throat, Eggerson’s head had swollen until it exploded.

“I’ll never eat peanut butter again. It just makes me think of brains,” said one of the responding officers.

Jif could not be reached for comment. However, in response to this tragedy, Jif has reportedly been tirelessly working on a new advertising campaign to attract new customers. It is reported that the leading slogan is: “So good it’ll make your head explode. Just kidding. Ha-ha.”

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