ARIES
If you’ve been waiting for the chance to organize your life, this is it. That also means you have to stand still. Hm. you’d think the stars would be less stereotypical about spring cleaning.
TAURUS
When something outrageous happens today, do yourself a big favor: don’t react, especially if people start saying calculations for The Rapture were off by only a few days, or years.
GEMINI
You should go through a big change today. Maybe not Peter Parker turning into Spiderman-type changes, but something will happen that will make people look at you differently. It may be hair loss, facial herpes, or maybe your skin will turn orange. Be prepared.
CANCER
The heart may want what it wants, but the brain knows what it knows! Let your intellect dominate your decision-making process today and you probably won’t find yourself on Judge Judy in a custody battle with your ex-girlfriend over the property rights of your South Park DVD collection and custody of your Keeshond.
LEO
Today, try to consider only the known in your life. If you “know” that you’re the human embodiment of Zeus and have every right to enslave the human race with a cross-dimension particle-bursting ray, please consider the unknowns.
VIRGO
No one loves criticism, even the constructive kind. But today you need to hear it, you fucking idiot. You can’t drive, you eat worse than a goat, and you smell like moldy cheese. Now get out there and be somebody!
LIBRA
Those people who haven’t been noticing you had better watch out! If they don’t, they may plow right through you on the sidewalk.
SCORPIO
A high-spirited friend is full of new ideas, and they’ll share them with you today. Just grin and bear it when they start talking about inventions like paper-shredder mailboxes and a coffee cup that evaporates coffee before you can drink it.
SAGITTARIUS
Today, your communication style will say more than the actual words you speak. This goes without saying if you happen to use sign language on a daily basis.
CAPRICORN
Focus on the future instead of the present, or the past. Unless the future is the past revisited, leading up to the present, meaning that both of those timelines are actually the future, so you would have to focus on all three.
Please, somebody take the Back to the Future trilogy away from me.
AQUARIUS
Your mounting sense of interest and engagement with something or someone is exciting! Hopefully the mounting is with someone, because the last time I was caught with Vaseline and a refrigerator wasn’t a pretty sight.
PISCES
Try to avoid going solo today. Even Michael Jordan needed teammates in order to slap the Knicks silly for what seemed like a decade.