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Chow Time with Evil Gordon Ramsay: The McRib

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   When it comes to chain restaurants, the public gets what the public wants. Except when the chain is McDonald’s, and what the public wants is the McRib. Then it seems warranted to only give the public what it wants for a few weeks every 10 years.

Which is fine by me. I hope these putrid piles of shite get flagged by the FDA and tossed into the center of the sun, along with the McDonald’s buildings themselves. But first, I believe a review is in order, to be fair to a supposed food item that is enjoyed without irony. And so I coated my stomach lining, had all my shots, and tried McDonald’s McRib.

 

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Delivery

In order to best receive the McRib, I donned my Darth Vader mask to disguise my face and voice. Unfortunately, the girl taking my order was the re-incarnation of Helen Keller, and couldn’t hear a bloody thing I said. After trying to give me 3 Big Macs and a Happy Meal, they finally gave me a McRib. Fucking amateurs. Her home economics teacher should give her a big fat “F”.

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Presentation

What the hell is this mess? A clean presentation is key to leading the taste-buds to a surprising, culinary utopia. This shite looks like it was shaken by a British nanny in the carboard-box it was delivered in. Of course eating it is going to be messy. It was all over my fucking lap before I even opened it. Pathetic.

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Bread

The one good thing about the McRib is that it comes in between two dry sponges, which keeps your clothes from getting completely ruined. It can also be used to clean up any mess you make, including what I vomited up in my kitchen after eating a McRib.

I beg your pardon? Those aren’t sponges? They’re buns? Are you having a fucking laugh? I’ve eaten towels with more flavor.

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Meat

This can’t actually be considered meat, can it? This is what people are going crazy for here in the states? I thought someone had played a joke on me, and replaced my pork patty with a rubber dog toy. Nope, that’s the McRib, in all its glory. In fact, I probably wouldn’t even allow my dog to chew on a McRib, because the rubber from China  is infused in lead. Fast food? This isn’t food. This is God’s sick joke on me.

Oh, but it has onions and pickles. Of course that should make it all better, except those are flavorless as well. Just call it a hacked Cuban and be done with it. Or a McCuban. Whatever the hell makes it “McDonalds.” ____________________________________________________

Sauce

So this is the big draw, huh? Barbecue sauce? I’ve literally drank dirty dishwater in a kitchen to show a contestant what I would rather taste than their cooking, and this barbecue sauce has less flavor than that. Where’s the tang? Or did you mean the powdered drink? Because I can’t fucking taste that, either.

Barbecue sauce. Come off it.

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Final Judgement

Why did people want this shite to come back? Why do they request it as a regular item? It doesn’t look good. It doesn’t taste good. It gave me stomach cramps to the point that I sat on a toilet for two hours. Then I ate my own feces to get the taste of the McRib out of my mouth.

Please, McDonald’s, make the limited time end now. Then never, ever, speak of this abomination again. Instead of the McRib, insert the address to a sandwich shoppe that gives a damn about preparing edible food, you wankers.

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