The aftermath of any holiday is usually filled with regrets: I wish I got that as a present; I wish my father-in-law didn’t try to carve the turkey; I wish I didn’t eat so many damn eggs; I wish I didn’t try to jump-start a relationship with that girl I went on 1 and a half dates with by asking her to come to Jamaica for Valentine’s Day.
The only regrets Halloween ever brings are “I wish I didn’t eat all the left-over candy” and “Why did so many people have to dress as Chewbacca this year?” It’s a pretty good regret ratio, unless you hate Halloween, which means you regret the whole holiday.
But I do have another regret. Actually, I have a couple of regrets, but they all fall under one category: costumes I wish I saw, but didn’t. So here they are, in no particular order.
1) A Really Fat Guy in a Jersey Shore Costume
Pauley D, The Situation, even Snooki: for some reason, no fat guys went the route of adding to the mockery of The Jersey Shore costume line.
I know what you’re saying: “Fat people are not here for your amusement. They have feelings, too.” Please. I went to my sister’s Sweet 16 party and tried to do the dance to Soulja Boy’s “Supaman”. I know a few things about making fun of myself for the entertainment of others. This is different. Having a chunkster portray the GTL lifestyle would have won costume contests across the board, considering the irony involved in having an extremely overweight man fit himself into the “muscle body” suit, and then the tight-fitting clothing involved. Shame on you, fat man. Next time, just say no to Iron Man.
2) Charlie Sheen Hiding A Hooker
I know what you’re thinking: how could someone possibly pull this off? It’s a two person costume, at least!
Wrong. Daniel-San, the REAL Karate Kid, dressed up as a shower. That’s a huge-ass costume, with the curtain and the shower nozzle and the lack of self-respect to pull it off. So how hard could it be to carry around a fake door in a frame with a blow-up doll attached to the handle, so when you open up the plain door, your “abducted hooker” pops out? Worried about the “Charlie Sheen” look? He sure doesn’t. Slap on some chic guy clothes from the later 1990s and you’re good to go.
3) (Human) Centipede 2.0
I almost did this one myself. You don’t even need two other real people to do it. Get a couple of mannequins, or even some large stuffed animals, attach them ass-to-mouth using bandage tape, and then attach the open-mouthed one to your rear with more bandage tape. Then you can walk around at ease and hit on the opposite gender while it looks like you’re at the end of a rim-job train with Mickey Mouse and a polar bear.
Who WOULDN’T give you their number?!
4) British Petroleum Casualty
There a lot of variations for this costume. Be a pelican; a dolphin; an owl! Be liberal with chocolate syrup, stick a few “Apologies from BP” flyers on your body, and voilá! You are an honorary casualty of the Gulf Oil Spill.
You can even forget the animal costume, dump the chocolate syrup on yourself, and say you’re a shrimp boat captain. People would get the point.
5) Sad Keanu
The general consensus this Halloween was that “Chilean Miner” was this year’s best last minute costume.
Haven’t shaved or showered all day? Forgot to do laundry? Well, go buy yourself a miner’s helmet and you can be a Chilean miner!
Fuck that. A last minute costume is something you don’t have to buy anything for. Especially a miner’s helmet. When are you ever going to need a miner helmet for anything?! At the very least, a last-minute costume buy should have some sort of use for a costume in the future. With a miner helmet, you have to hope for another oddly humorous mining situation. Either that, or become a miner yourself, because a miner’s helmet is worthless.
So if you’re a guy who hasn’t shaved or showered all week and just found out you had to go to a Halloween party, Sad Keanu is for you. Throw on a dirty blazer and jeans, muss up your hair, throw a sandwich in a paper bag, and mope around for the whole party. Welcome, Sad Keanu.
Unfortunately, these are missed opportunities for 2010. Maybe next year we’ll give you ridiculous costume ideas before Halloween to give you a chance to really shine.