Los Angeles, CA: For decades, rock god Steven Tyler has been known as the large-mouth bass that fronts the rock band Aerosmith. His newest career choice will take him down a different path, as he trades in a microphone for a feather pen in writing a tell-all memoir of his time with the band.
“I spent a lot of time lying in bed recently,” said Tyler, who broke his hip after a fall at a concert at a nursing home in Sturgis, South Dakota in 2009. “It occurred to me that I had two options in how I spent my time: either I could catch up on episodes of the Gilmore Girls, or I could write a book. And since my grandson wasn’t around to program the DVD player, I went with the book.”
Aerosmith, who narrowly edged out “New Kids on the Block” for the title “Bad Boys From Boston,” has been a rock and roll staple for 40 years. They have toured the world several times over, raking in millions of dollars and then promptly snorting the proceeds up their nose, according to popular belief. Tyler’s book promises to shed new light on these beliefs, he claims.
“Drugs? Please,” Tyler laughed. “All those rehab stints were PR stunts. We were attending summer vacation bible classes and didn’t want to miss the crucifixion macramé sessions because we were out on tour. We did snort Pixie Stix once, but it burned Joe’s nose so bad we never tried it again.”
In fact, Tyler claims that the lies about Aerosmith go back to the very beginning: even the band’s name is fake. He says that the original name was “Airy Mitts,” because they were “light and catchy.” The band was forced to develop a long-haired, wildly-dressed persona that was deeply out-of-touch with their personal approach to life. “We had to wear wigs and whatever clothes we could borrow from my sister,” Tyler admitted. “We preferred crew cuts with Dockers and polo shirts.”
Even the lead singer’s personal life is not exempt from myth-busting. “Liv Tyler? She’s not my daughter!” Tyler exclaimed. “Did you see the way she was trolling around half-naked in the video for ‘Crazy’ with Alicia Silverstone? Do you seriously think I’d let my own daughter do that? What the hell kind of father would I be? We hired her out of some strip club… but we had to send our manager out to find her, because none of us guys in the band would ever be caught dead in such a den of iniquity. Afterwards, we tried to get her to see the light and lead a righteous lifestyle, but to no avail. Hollywood got to her before we could.”
Other nuggets of truth to be revealed in the book include:
Tyler’s most recent stint in “drug rehab” actually had a slight basis in truth: he had to kick a long-standing addiction to Metamucil.
The band just found out they were featured in a “Guitar Hero” videogame, and were amazed at “the things they can do now with an Atari 2600.”
Joe Perry is actually not left-handed, so his playing guitar right-handed is much less impressive.
The members of the band other than Steven Tyler and Joe Perry actually have names.
The book, which is scheduled to come out October 19, is wildly anticipated by the band’s followers; portable oxygen tank sales have tripled recently as fans prepare themselves to be able to wait in line outside local bookstores. Book vendors are anticipating that the biggest rush will be around 4 pm as restaurants wrap up their “Early Bird” dinner specials.