George W Bush Opens Library of ‘Merica
Dallas, Texas: On Thursday, George W. Bush presided over the opening of his presidential library, the George W. Bush Library of ‘Merica. The name was chosen to represent the former…
Vegan Angry After Being Served Grass-Fed Wheatgrass
Toluca Lake, CA: On Monday, Betty Moonshadow felt abnormally tired after an especially long day at the free range chicken farm she manages with her life partner and decided she…
George W. Bush Presidential Library and Museum Resurrects Old Political Jokes
Dallas, TX— It seemed too good to be true. George W. Bush, the former president of the United States who had launched hundreds of grammatically incorrect quotes and slogans, will…
Curt Shilling Alive and Well Annoying Public after Boston Bombing
Boston, MA: In the wake of the bombing at the Boston Marathon, the sports world was riveted in an extremely quiet celebration when it was believed that former Red Sox…
Americans Mistake Chechens for Alien Race in Defiance
Boston, MA: As the dust has settled and suspects are gathered up in relation to the bombing at the Boston Marathon, it seems that more questions than answers are rising.…
Boston Marathon Cowboy to get Own TV Doctor Series
Boston, MA: In the wake of the devastation of the Boston Marathon, one beacon of light ran into our lives, literally. He showed not only how strong human compassion is,…
Assh*les Unite Against Sodomy
Richmond, Virginia: Yesterday, Virginia Attorney General Ken Cuccinelli organized a rally in front of the state court house in support of anti-sodomy laws. Cuccinelli reached out to groups all over…
Bill Gates Offers $100k to Get Nerds Laid, Condoms
Seattle, WA: This week, the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation announced a $100,000 grant to whoever can create the new generation of condoms. Gates, being the chairman of Microsoft, will…
Mississippi Rallies Behind Obesity
Jackson, MS: This week, Governor Phil Bryant signed into law a ban on regulation of portion size and nutrition, officially endorsing Mississipians’ rights to eat themselves into a coma. The…
Sequester Season: Tips for Falling off the Cliff
Washington DC: On Thursday, President Obama signed into effect the spending cuts known officially as the sequester and unofficially as the collapse of the American Empire. There were tear-filled eyes…