Millions Join Quest for the Holy iPhone
The iPhone 5s is rumored to be made of gold the color of 1,000 setting suns.
Rush Limbaugh to be Replaced by Rusho Limbaguez on Radio
Palm Beach, FL: Rush Limbaugh’s resistance to immigration reform may have been strengthened this past weekend, as it was learned that Rush, as well as Sean Hannity, would not have…
Economic Rebound Restarts Local Man’s Debt Cycle
Tempe, AZ: On Wednesday, an anonymous source at Wachovia leaked documents that revealed Bill Gunderson, of Tempe, Arizona, has capitalized on the rebounding economy by burying himself under two mortgages…
Buzzfeed Editor Pitches List of the Best Lists of the Best Lists on the Internet
New York, NY: In a private staff meeting, Buzzfeed Deputy List editor Patrick McLanahan pitched the idea of Buzzfeed creating a list of “best lists of the best lists on…
Gun Nuts Attempt to Ruin 3D Printers for Everyone
Austin, TX: As common knowledge of 3D printer capabilities continues to grow, a bunch of dicks from Texas decided that the best way to let people know more about them…
Facebook Phone Fails, Other Social Media Phones Abandoned
Menlo Park, CA: After the recent devaluation of the HTC First, commonly known as “The Facebook Phone,” to 99¢, other popular social media sites are shutting down their own plans…
Hummus Becomes No. 1 Public Health Concern
Atlanta, Georgia: The Centers for Disease Control have announced a new issue on the top of the day-to-day public health agenda: the American hummus addiction. Last week, the Wall Street…
Vegan Angry After Being Served Grass-Fed Wheatgrass
Toluca Lake, CA: On Monday, Betty Moonshadow felt abnormally tired after an especially long day at the free range chicken farm she manages with her life partner and decided she…
Bill Gates Offers $100k to Get Nerds Laid, Condoms
Seattle, WA: This week, the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation announced a $100,000 grant to whoever can create the new generation of condoms. Gates, being the chairman of Microsoft, will…
Mississippi Rallies Behind Obesity
Jackson, MS: This week, Governor Phil Bryant signed into law a ban on regulation of portion size and nutrition, officially endorsing Mississipians’ rights to eat themselves into a coma. The…