Man Celebrates 10th Year with Wal-Mart
Odessa, FL: John Higginbottom, 30, just celebrated his 10th year working for Wal-Mart and could not be happier. To mark the occasion, he purchased a dozen cupcakes from his store's…
Alabama Named Least Active State
Today, the Center for Disease Control released a comprehensive list of the least active states, and Alabama tops that list. According to the CDC, more than 29 percent of the…
Man to Charge Two Pennies for His Thoughts
Portland, ME: In a bold and decisive move, local know-it-all John Wether decided to raise the price of his thoughts this week. For the past thirty-one years, Wether has charged…
Pittsburgh’s Hines Ward Stops Smiling for the First Time in Thirty Years
Pittsburgh, PA: Hines Ward, Steelers wide receiver and the man long recognized as the village idiot of Pittsburgh, suddenly stopped smiling this morning after realizing that his team, the Pittsburgh…
Study Suggests Eating a Big Breakfast Can Lead to Weight Gain
Munich, GERMANY: The Nutrition Journal recently published a study that suggests that eating a large breakfast regularly can lead to weight gain. Meanwhile, the public, specifically the American public, has…
Teenagers Replace Adopted Children Accessory with Own Children
Memphis, TN: Frayser High School has finally, after years of competing with Elvis Presley's Graceland, become well-known as a tourist attraction. Unfortunately, its claim to fame is not for academics,…
Study Shows “Gamers” Lose Virginity Later Than Average Person
South Bend, IN: Researchers at Notre Dame have published a study claiming that video game addicts, also known as "gamers," lose their virginity long after their non-gaming peers. The study,…
16-Year-Old Boy Loses Virginity During TSA Pat-Down
Newark, NJ: The Transportation Safety Administration and its controversial screening procedures have come under fire yet again. A 16-year-old boy, whose name is being withheld due to his age, has…
Ben Roethlisberger Slapped – Women Rejoice
As of this writing, the NFL is considering fining Seymour for “Bitch-Slapping a Defenseless Rapist.”
Lipton Considering Changing Product Name
For nearly two years, the Tea Party Movement has inspired thousands of uneducated and easily misled citizens of the United States to take to the streets in order to protest…