Odessa, FL: John Higginbottom, 30, just celebrated his 10th year working for Wal-Mart, and could not be happier. To mark the occasion, he purchased a dozen cupcakes from his store’s bakery and shared them with several employees in the break room on Tuesday afternoon. The cupcakes were gone in a matter of minutes, and his fellow employees were very thankful for his longevity and sharing of baked goods.
“I am thrilled to still be working here after all these years,” said Higginbottom, a 9th grade dropout and self-described toy department expert. “I still remember my first day like it was yesterday. But it wasn’t. It was ten years ago. Can you believe that?”
Higginbottom still remembers how nervous he was before his interview with the assistant manager at the Wal-Mart located near his home. He had always been socially awkward and was afraid that the manager would ask him difficult questions – something he has always struggled with. Thankfully, though, the interview only lasted a few minutes and the assistant manager hired him on the spot for a position in the toy department – a position he holds to this day.
“Nobody’s done asked me if I want to move up and become a manager or whatever. But that’s okay because I’m quite happy in the toy department. I plan on staying here until I retire. Plus, I get paid pretty darn good.”
According to Higginbottom, his $8.40 an hour salary is more than enough to pay the bills. He still lives at home with his parents and has never owned a car. Most of his food is paid for by family members and he isn’t required to pay any utilities. Higginbottom also claims that he has not had a girlfriend in “more than eight years,” which is another cost-saving measure, as “women are too damn expensive, if you ask me.”
“All I got to pay for is video games and sometimes I buy lunch for myself at McDonald’s. I’m living the life,” says Higginbottom.
Barbara Singlebarton, his current supervisor, is thrilled that Higginbottom has stayed with Wal-Mart for this long. “Our turnover rate after five years is, like, one-hundred percent or something like that. So it’s always nice when we can keep people around that know what they’re talking about. And John – well, he knows toys like the back of his hand.”
“You just wait and see,” said Higginbottom. “You walk up in here in fifteen or twenty-seven years and I’m still going to be here, making the kids happy by telling them all about toys.”
Update: Mr. Higginbottom has since been released from his duties at Wal-Mart after being accused of exposing himself to a group of Cub Scouts. He denies the charge and claims that “all them boys are lying.” Higginbottom plans on acquiring a job at the Wal-Mart located seven miles away.