Paris, FRANCE: On Tuesday, a Paris court convicted the Church of Scientology of fraud and fined it more than half a million euros, which is a lot of money, we think — but stopped short of banning the group as requested by prosecutors. This has come as a shock to at least a dozen people in the world, Tom Cruise among them.
“I cannot believe this,” he stated in a tearful press conference. “This simply cannot be.”
Mr. Cruise, who has donated hundreds of millions of dollars to the church, also stated that he would do everything in his power to overturn this verdict. “I will give them all of my money! Watch me!”
John Travolta, who hasn’t had a hit film in years, agrees. “This is wrong on so many levels. After donating thirty million dollars, the church helped me reach such peace that I feel that I owe them my unwavering support, both physically and financially.”
Kelly Preston, his second-rate actress wife agrees. “Yep. We will give them all of John’s money. Trust me, there isn’t that much of it these days.”
The court convicted the Church of Scientology’s French office, its library, and six of its leaders of fraud. Investigators said the group pressured members into paying large sums of money for questionable financial gain and used “commercial harassment” against recruits.
“Questionable financial gain? What does that even mean?” asked Kirstie Alley, dining on a bag of cheeseburgers outside of an L.A. McDonald’s. “I’m really confused.”
Four of the leaders were given suspended sentences of 10 months to 2 years. The other two were given fines of euro 1,000 and euro 2,000, whatever that means.
Kirstie Alley, in an effort to support the leaders, vowed to go on a hunger strike. Five minutes later, she was spotted outside a Burger King with three Whoppers. She ran before reporters could question her.