Welcome back, football fans, to our quasi-professional football picks! Each week we will pick game winners based on Vegas over/under lines, and add some sharp commentary to the games.
Things are getting close at the last few weeks, for both analysts and readers! Don’t forget that we’re so obnoxious that we’ll be picking through the playoffs and Super Bowl. Even the Pro Bowl!
Thursday, December 15th, 2011
VS
Jacksonville Jaguars @ Atlanta Falcons
LINE: Falcons by 12
Evil Peyton Manning:
This season, it seems like coaches and coordinators are going to the hospital more than players. Sean Peyton of the Saints broke his leg. Wade Phillips of the Texans is going in for for surgery. The Falcons are finally getting back Mike Smith after uncomfortable chest pains. Doctors said it was nothing serious, just heartache caused by a team not meeting expectations. Pick: Jaguars-LOSS
Steve Elle: Falcons-WIN
Rob Wheatley: Jaguars-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Jaguars-LOSS
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Saturday, December 17th, 2011
VS
Dallas Cowboys @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers
LINE: Cowboys by 7
Steve Elle:
Too bad the Bucs are pirates because if they were Indians this would all be a bit easier. With rumors flying about Raheem Morris’s imminent departure every game could be his last. It might be considered going out with a bang if it ends up being this game, on prime time in a rare sold out Raymond James stadium. I almost hope it comes down to a final Cowboy kick because given the last two weeks, where the Cowboy kicker was iced by both his own head coach (which worked), and the opposing teams head coach (which also worked), the Bucs may employ a unique strategy: having a cheerleader call a timeout to ice the kicker. Under the new collective bargaining agreement, cheerleaders can now call one timeout per game, though this has not been put to use yet. Watch for it Saturday. Pick: Bucs-LOSS
Rob Wheatley: Cowboys-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: Cowboys-WIN
Darby Shaw: Cowboys-WIN
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Sunday, December 18th, 2011
VS
Miami Dolphins @ Buffalo Bills
LINE: Dolphins by 2
Darby Shaw:
Right now, the smartest player in the NFL is Ryan Fitzpatrick. He aced his Wonderlic test. He spent a couple years in anonymity, playing backup roles in St Louis and Cincinnati, drawing a paycheck on teams with zero expectations. He came to the Bills, played some mediocre games, then played a couple of RIDICULOUS games, throwing up statistics that gave fantasy football players total boners. He got a fat contract, with $24 million in guaranteed money… and promptly went back to being mediocre again. The guy has won fewer games in his career (21) than he has millions of dollars (24). THAT is what you get from a guy who studied economics at Harvard. Oh, and the NFL is sad to report that you can no longer make Tony Soprano jokes in reference to Miami. Pick: Dolphins-WIN
Steve Elle: Dolphins-WIN
Rob Wheatley: Dolphins-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: Dolphins-WIN
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VS
Seattle Seahawks @ Chicago Bears
LINE: Bears by 4
Rob Wheatley:
I just learned that the Seahawk is another name for the mighty Osprey, and it’s also a fighter plane and also a helicopter. It sounds like the sort of thing that would make the Transformers sit up and listen, which is a good thing because I tried my hardest to watch either/both of the Transormer films recently and just couldn’t because of the incessant bloody noise, shouting and more noise. What is it with Hollywood CGI films where they seem to think that the best way to tell a story is by sticking a trumpet down your ear and blowing it as hard as they can for an hour and a half ? No sense of subtlety, of contrast, of not sticking a trumpet down your ear and blowing into it for an hour and a half. I say that I tried to watch Transformers, in fact I had to give up after half an hour and go and do something altogether quieter….that’s why I’m now learning to play the drums! Pick: Seahawks-WIN
Steve Elle: Bears-LOSS
Evil Peyton Manning: Seahawks-WIN
Darby Shaw: Seahawks-WIN
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VS
Tennessee Titans @ Indianapolis Colts
LINE: Titans by 7
Evil Peyton Manning:
With Peyton Manning finally throwing a football again, many would think that he could hardly do worse than any other quarterback for the Colts this year. Unfortunately, there isn’t much for the Colts to play for anymore as 0-14 looms closer, except to escape being beaten with a rubber hose by Manning himself. Defense, offense, lines, no-one is safe from Forehead McGee. However, they have begun covering spreads very nicely with Dan Orlovsky, so with a game against a Hasselbeck-less Titans, it’s as good a time as any to put a 1 up in their win record, as the Texans will fine tune themselves against the Colts next week, followed by the last ditch effort to get a win against the Jaguars. Pick: Colts-WIN
Steve Elle: Titans-LOSS
Rob Wheatley: Colts-WIN
Darby Shaw: Titans-LOSS
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VS
Green Bay Packers @ Kansas City Chiefs
LINE: Packers by 15
Darby Shaw:
Yesterday, my coworker tried to tell me that the Chiefs could play the spoiler role in stopping the Packers’ run at a perfect season. In unrelated news, it turns out that “uncontrollable laughter” is not something they can treat you for at your local hospital. But on the bright side for the Chiefs, coach Todd Haley has been let go–because OBVIOUSLY a team missing 80% of its best players due to injury is losing because of the head coach. Thankfully, they have an excellent prospect for interim head coach in Maurice Cart–wait, what? ROMEO FUCKING CRENNEL? Are you joking? Pick: Packers-LOSS
Steve Elle: Packers-LOSS
Rob Wheatley: Packers-LOSS
Evil Peyton Manning: Packers-LOSS
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VS
Cincinnati Bengals @ St. Louis Rams
LINE: Bengals by 7
Rob Wheatley:
Do you remember the Bangles? They had a hit record back in the 1980’s with ‘Walk like an Egyptian’ , which let’s face it, was a bit rascist. I’ve watched the news recently and I haven’t seen a single one of those Egyptians walking anything like a pro-football palyer, especially one in a girl-band. Apparently the song was written after seeing people nearly falling over on a boat. Oh, so not only rascist, but also just downright bloody nasty. If I was on a boat, clinging on for dear life, the last thing I’d want would be to hear someone taking the piss in the form of a song. You’d think that anyone with the slightest bit of compassion would have lent a hepling hand, or at least just asked “Are you alright mate? Can I take your arm and get you to a seat ?” But no, this pig-headed rascist bully has to go and write a pop song about it and then millions of people laugh at you while the video is on tv. Well I hope the bloke who wrote it is having a really bad day and doesn’t get anything he wants for Christmas ! Pick Bengals….(Oh, it’s Bengals !…sorry, as you were..) Pick: Bengals-LOSS
Steve Elle: Bengals-LOSS
Evil Peyton Manning: Bengals-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Bengals-LOSS
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VS
New Orleans Saints @ Minnesota Vikings
LINE: Saints by 7
Steve Elle:
Given the poor Vikings season, this may end up being just another home game for the Saints. The Metrodome (or whatever they call that thing these days) is very similar to the Superdump that the Saints play in. Oh yeah, they call it the ‘Mercedes Benz’ Superdump these days, as if you can dress up that old turd by putting the words Mercedes Benz in front of it. And trust me, I’ve been inside; that stadium is a piece of crap. There should be a complimentary dookie in each cup holder. But I digress. With Peterson still out and McNabb cut loose, this is rebuilding time for the Vikes. Brees and the Saints will try to extend their NFC South lead with those pesky Bucs nipping at their heels. Ok, I was kidding about that last part. Pick: Saints-WIN
Rob Wheatley: Vikings-LOSS
Evil Peyton Manning: Saints-WIN
Darby Shaw: Saints-LOSS
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VS
Washington Redskins @ New York Giants
LINE: Giants by 7
Evil Peyton Manning:
Rex Grossman returns to NY this weekend to take on the streets of Manhattan during a time where college co-eds are celebrating the end of the semester. This bodes well for Sexy Rexy, who plans to set the record for most women impregnated in one orgasm. In other news, there’s a football game going on. Pick: Redskins-WIN
Steve Elle: Giants-LOSS
Rob Wheatley: Giants-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Redskins-WIN
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VS
Carolina Panthers @ Houston Texans
LINE: Texans by 7
Darby Shaw:
Well, the Texans have already clinched their division, despite strong competition from the Manningless Colts and those other two teams’ starting rookie QBs. Way to step up to the plate, Houston! However, the Texans will be without defensive coordinator Wade Phillips, who is having a bacon cheeseburger surgically removed from his kidney. On the other side of the field, the Panthers will try to rebound after giving away last week’s game to the Falcons. Look for QB Cam Newton to put up one of his usual “400 yards passing, 1 TD, and a loss… but at least we covered the spread” type of games. Pick: Panthers-WIN
Steve Elle: Panthers-WIN
Rob Wheatley: Texans-LOSS
Evil Peyton Manning: Panthers-WIN
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VS
Detroit Lions @ Oakland Raiders
LINE: Lions by 2
Rob Wheatley:
The Oakland Raiders sound like a criminal gang who steal from furniure shops. In fact, I ‘ve just had a great idea for product placement. You know those ridiculous tv shows called “Police. Action. Violence.” or “Stop. Carnage. Arseholes.” and the like, well, they could combine cctv footage of crimes along with the usual advertising spiel to make something altogether more exciting. Just imagine : “Come to Oakland, for our fine selection of Oak cabinets, tables, and other wooden stuff..oh hang on, come back with my tables you bastards!”..Well I’d watch it. Pick: Raiders-WIN
Steve Elle: Raiders-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: Lions-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Lions-LOSS
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VS
New England Patriots @ Denver Broncos
LINE: Patriots by 7
Darby Shaw:
Today, underwear maker Jockey announced that if, Tim “Quit Calling Me Jesus” Tebow and the Broncos win the Super Bowl, they will award 40,000 fans a million dollars worth of Jockey apparel. This is perfectly reasonable, since if Tebow wins the Super Bowl, millions of people are going to shit themselves. As far as this game goes, it will be an epic battle, with God backing the Broncos and Satan walking the sidelines for the Patriots wearing a raggedy sweatshirt with cutoff sleeves. Pick: Patriots-WIN
Steve Elle: Patriots-WIN
Rob Wheatley: Patriots-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: Patriots-WIN
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VS
New York Jets @ Philadelphia Eagles
LINE: Eagles by 3
Steve Elle:
To cement a playoff appearance the Jets need to win this game. To cement a little something called a victory, the Eagles need to win this game. The Eagles, who were preseason favorites to win the Super Bowl, have nearly played themselves out of contention. This proves the point that NFL fates are inherently unpredictable. What is predictable is the following: Rex Ryan is fat; Mark Sanchez has bad skin; Michael Vick loves dogs; Desean Jackson is a douchebag; Andy Reid is also fat (which begs the question, which coach is fatter?), etc. With 700+ lbs of coaching genius on display, this could very well be the best game of all time. Pick: Jets-LOSS
Rob Wheatley: Eagles-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: Jets-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Jets-LOSS
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VS
Cleveland Browns @ Arizona Cardinals
LINE: Cardinals by 7
Rob Wheatley:
The Cardinals hail from the great stae of Arizona, which is best known for its massive expanse of desert. The most abundant plant in the desert is the Cactus, which got me wondering if the legendary Peyote Cactus could be found there. Well, just one look at the state flag for Arizona confirms it. Loads of red and yellow lines disappearing into nothingness over a deep blue base with a huge great orange star in the centre, it could only have been designed by some drug-crazed lunatic tripping out of his bollocks on some Red Indian laughing-juice. Now where do I get me one of them Peyotes? Pick: Browns-WIN
Steve Elle: Cardinals-LOSS
Evil Peyton Manning: Cardinals-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Browns-WIN
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VS
Baltimore Ravens @ San Diego Chargers
LINE: Ravens by 3
Steve Elle:
Both teams desperately need this win. With the Ravens and Steelers in a tight race the Ravens need another victory. With the Chargers on life support, they also need a victory. Each game could be Norv Turner’s last. Iconic LB Ray Lewis may be back for this game. Rumor has it he would kill for a win. Pick: Chargers-WIN
Rob Wheatley: Chargers-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: Ravens-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Ravens-LOSS
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Monday, December 19th, 2011
VS
Pittsburgh Steelers @ San Francisco 49ers
LINE: 49ers by 3
Evil Peyton Manning:
Ben Roethlisberger rarely gets the credit he deserves. On a defensive-minded team, it takes a leader to manage the game, escape sacks while keeping turnover minimum, and let the ball fly when necessary. Ben Roethlisberger won’t take “NO” as an answer, and he will take anyone, fan, teammate, or analyst to the men’s room that dares to utter the word. So when word came down that Big Ben may be sidelined due to injury, he did the only thing he could do: took back-up quarterback Charlie Batch to the men’s room to teach him about leadership. On the other side of the field, 49ers quarterback Alex Smith called Tim Tebow yesterday to thank him for putting in a good word to the J-man to keep Steelers linebacker James Harrison from ripping his head off and pissing down his throat. Pick: 49ers-WIN
Steve Elle: 49ers-WIN
Rob Wheatley: 49ers-WIN
Darby Shaw: 49ers-WIN
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RECORDS
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ANALYSTS
Rob Wheatley: 112-99
Darby Shaw: 103-108
Steve Elle: 101-110
Evil Peyton Manning: 101-110
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CONTEST
T.O. : 117-94
Obi-Wallace: 113-98
AmyC: 109-102
Beta Boy: 106-105
Corrupted Clown: 102-109
RickyB: 101-110
JMcG: 100-111
Giants Chick: 94-117
Mike Marbles Francesa: 94-117
Angelicus Rex: 88-123
La Princessa: 13-198
JohnnyO: 9-202