Los Angeles, CA: In a courtroom in Los Angeles, a tearful Britney Spears today requested that the courts allow her have the right to see and play with her va-jay-jay again, after having had her custody rights revoked two months ago.
During her well-publicized breakdown in January of this year, Ms. Spears was ruled incompetent, and 
guardians were established for nearly every aspect of her life. Former husband Kevin Federline was given complete control of the couple’s two children, and her father took charge of her personal affairs—including her mommy bits.
In his ruling to award custody elsewhere, Judge Hassenfass had stated, “Ms. Spears has shown a repeated, reckless abandon for the well-being of the beautiful assets placed under her care. Oh, and her children aren’t being treated well either.” The judge deemed that her father would be the one best suited to handling her vagina.
“During the past several years, Ms. Spears has subjected her nether regions to all sorts of nefarious deeds,” Judge Hassenfass continued. “After giving up her beautiful flower to some former boy band member, she engaged in a relationship with a fellow who, based upon his track record, has a penchant for knocking up the stars he dances with. In the process, she ruined the dreams of every American male between the ages of 14 and 84.”
Apart from her choice in male company, she also exposed her hoo-hah to questionable female role models. After nights out on the town with Paris Hilton and Lindsey Lohan, lips were flapping with questions about her decision to hang out publicly with new friends with dubious lifestyles.
Later, the judge also pointed out that Britney had subjected her lotus patch to unsafe conditions in the car; at times, she left it exposed to the elements, leaving it vulnerable to colds and other illnesses. At other times, she was photographed driving with it sitting in her lap, rather than being restrained properly.
In today’s session with the judge, Ms. Spears said that, due to her time spent in counselling, she had gained a greater understanding of how actions had impacted her tunnel of love. “My stint in rehab got me in touch with myself. I probed and I probed until I came to the proper conclusions,” she stated.
After Ms. Spears and the judge spent about fifteen minutes in-chambers to further examine the issue, a ruling was handed down. Judge Hassenfass, sounding a little breathless, commended Britney for her dedication to her cause and decreed that she be allowed to visit her minge at least twice a week, under his very close supervision.
If all goes well, Britney hopes to regain custody of her love muffin in time to perform at the MTV Video Music Awards, where she is scheduled to perform with Ron Jeremy, three monkeys, and a toaster oven.