ARIES
It’s a good time for you to speak simply and from the heart. This does not mean that you should pull every person you come into contact with into your chest. Unless you’re Alison Brie, and “every person” is me, over and over again.
TAURUS
You need to take a second look at the situation and make sure that things are really what they appear to be. Gay people can be married in New York now, which means they can play all those weird marriage games women do and it’ll be totally legal in the end. Seriously, how can you annul a marriage to a transvestite without looking like a total hate-monger?
GEMINI
You cherish your friends, but make sure that you don’t get too possessive of them. Nobody likes a friend who borrows your clothes all the time, joins all the activities you do, steals your significant other, and tries to wear your skin.
CANCER
Let yourself be inspired by a bashful person who’s breaking out of her or his shell. Remember, it’s the quiet ones that are always good in bed.
LEO
Your achievements have been noticed by important people. You will soon be abducted and trained by the government to assassinate an alien ruler. Hey, I don’t make the rules…
VIRGO
Any school or work issues you have been struggling with are finally being resolved. Because, you know, it’s the summer, the week before the 4th of July…
LIBRA
Always go in the direction of honesty, because eventually the fantasy will end up kicking you in the ass. Just ask any dope that ever fell in love with a stripper on sight.
SCORPIO
A minor detail may force you to change major plans, such as “I can’t get to a concert that happened yesterday” or “she has a penis”.
SAGITTARIUS
Someone who’s all talk and no action needs a reality check today. Supply it with a contemplative word or, if all else fails, a brick to the back of the head.
CAPRICORN
You need to deal with people who are a little harder to pin down than usual — but you have your ways. Just be sure to bring plenty of rope, handcuffs, and bungee cords.
AQUARIUS
Some romances take time to develop, so stick to it, breathe heavy on that phone, and keep leaving hair dolls on that porch.
PISCES
Don’t be too forthcoming today. Answer their questions with questions of your own. Why do you need me to tell you what to do, anyway?