Today, Ricky Martin dropped a bombshell on the dozens of fans who read his website everyday. The former singer/actor has lived the life of a recluse since his time at the top of the music charts, venturing out into the public only long enough to have pictures taken of him on the beach cavorting in a Speedo. Martin released the following statement on his website in both Spanish and English, in order to reach his fans in all three countries:
A few months ago I decided to write my memoirs, a project I knew was going to bring me closer to an 
amazing turning point in my life. From the moment I wrote the first phrase I was sure the book was the tool that was going to help me free myself from things I was carrying within me for a long time. Things that were too heavy for me to keep inside. Writing this account of my life, I got very close to my truth. And this is something worth celebrating.
I am proud to say that I suck. I suck in a way that few people in my life ever thought was possible. I suck to the very depths of human existence. I suck in ways that have not even been imagined by the vast majority of mankind.
Every time I walk down the street, I suck. Every waking moment of every day, I suck. I suck long, and I suck hard.
When I dance, I suck. When I sing, I suck. When I speak, I suck.
I have hidden this far too long. By trying to hide the way I suck, I have only made myself suck even harder. Today, the charade ends, and I wear my sucking with pride.
Oh, yeah. Umm, I’m also gay. Peace out!
Major media outlets have picked up the story and blasted it across the headlines. “To be honest, I thought the real story was that Ricky Martin was still alive. This may send his music soaring back up the charts, although I’m sure this press release is in no way an attempt to garner publicity, I’m sure,” said Entertainment Tonight/Evening News anchor Katie Couric.
TV stations have flocked to reputable information sources like Wikipedia and TMZ in order to find other hidden details of Martin’s life; it has recently been discovered that Martin is not only not a white guy, but he is actually Puerto Rican and a former member of the band Menudo (as is approximately 18% of the male population of Puerto Rico). Also, Martin became the father of twin boys in 2008 through a process which, oddly, does not seem to have involved any sort of direct contact with the mother.