BP Spreads Blame For Oil Spill

Washington, DC: British Petroleum, in its latest effort to direct the blame for the summer’s tragic Gulf Oil disaster elsewhere, has published a report detailing the names of the companies, celebrities, and wildlife that it believes should shoulder some of the blame for the most destructive oil spill in U.S. history. The long awaited report stressed that “no single factor” contributed to the April 20th blowout that killed 11 workers, sank the Deepwater Horizon, and killed countless sea creatures.

Instead, the report details a list of companies, individuals, and ocean life that BP believes should share in the responsibility.

“It is evident that a series of complex events, rather than a single mistake or failure, led to the tragedy,” said outgoing BP chief executive Tony Hayward. “Multiple parties, including BP, Halliburton and Transocean, were involved.”

Hayward then began to read from a long list of names that he believes were directly involved in causing the disaster which he aptly named the “Anyone But Me” list.

Unfortunately, The Inept Owl was not able to collect all of the names because the list was long and the ink in our trusty reporter’s pen ran out before Hayward finished reading (we can only afford one pen per reporter. Blame it on the economy). However, we were able to jot down a few names before the ink ran dry and have offered below a brief listing:

1. Oil
2. Water
3. Microsoft
4. Silly Bandz
5. Lady Gaga
6. Exxon
7. Fred Savage
8. The Simpsons
9. Joanie from Joanie Loves Chachi
10. David Lee Roth
11. Van Halen
12. Gumby
13. Sharks (specifically, Great White Sharks)
14. The New Orleans Saints Football Team (especially Reggie Bush)
15. The Inept Owl
16. Time Warner (the company is in talks with Patrick Emmel, owner of the Owl, in an effort to merge the two companies)
17. The girl who played Becky on Roseanne (no, not the first Becky. The second one. Sarah Chalke)
18. God