Portsmouth, OH: Families with homes along the Ohio River woke up this morning, shocked to find their backyards covered in water.
Due to greater-than-average snowfall, followed by greater-than-average rainfall, the Ohio River has grown to surprisingly greater-than-average le
vels. Entire communities have become flooded as the waters have continued to rise over the past few days. Sandbags are in short supply, as are Wet-Vacs, oars, and dry underpants.
William Robert McCoy, a resident of these parts for decades, said that he never thought he would see the day when the water level reached his roof. “I mean, sure… the basement floods after a good hard rain. And the area flooded last year in the spring. And the year before that, in the spring. But I certainly didn’t expect it this year. It’s not like we live in California and build our houses on the side of a mountain or anything. Now THAT would be stupid!”
Locals were obviously caught unaware of the rising water levels, as the stranded cars scattered around the community showed. One woman, whose Jeep Cherokee was swept down a flooded street, said, “The water was only three feet high on the road—I could tell, based upon how high the water level was on the “Danger: High Water” sign that I drove past. But… this is an SUV. It’s made to climb 70-percent grades and go off-road! Water is technically off-road, right?”
Oddly enough, people whose homes butt up against creeks and streams have not fared any better. While intuitively one might think that smaller water passages might be immune to flooding, it turns out that they are equally susceptible. One local man quickly discovered that his ATV did not function properly when used as a submersible. “The only way across Stone Holler Creek now is to jump my Dodge Charger across it,” he admitted, patting his orange car with pride.
In the meantime, the streets in this modern-day Venice are now filled with fishing boats and canoes instead of pickup trucks and Monte Carlos. Police are forced to hand out tickets for violating no-wake zones, rather than school zones. The only thing the residents can do is wait for the waters to recede, so that they can use the disaster monies provided by state and federal governments to reseal their basements and buy a new sump pump.