North Charleston, SC – Republicans converged on North Charleston last night to provide news agencies with material for another week of Tweets about Donald Trump. The debate was preceded by an open interview for the position of FOX News commentator. Former Hewlett-Packard CEO and dog-fondler Carly Fiorina was the stand-out winner, having the largest per-appearance crazy outburst of the three contenders. She came out swinging, taking Hillary Clinton to task on her biggest weak point; her performance as a wife.
The main event kicked off with the moderators asking some of the hard-hitting questions of the day; namely, who’s not American enough to be President. Ted Cruz, under attack for not being born in the US, dismantled the “birther” controversy, calling it ridiculous to even discuss it. The Tea Party candidate said he couldn’t imagine why anyone would attack someone’s eligibility to be President.
For most of the debate, the candidates literally stuck to their guns. Guns received more airtime than the economy, presumably because they factor into the Republican’s economic plan. Each candidate touted their record on permissiveness with guns. New Jersey Governor and Tony Soprano-impersonator Chris Christie pointed to his trips out into New Jersey to hand out guns to his constituents. Trump explained how some of his best friends are guns. Cruz described in detail his romantic relationship with guns.
On all issues, Rubio performed excellently at the debate, treading the fine line between jingoism and prophesizing the impending Democrat Apocalypse with characteristic sweaty enthusiasm. Rubio warned that the nation was dangerously close to becoming Europe, a continent with standards of living and healthcare costs at a level that is simply un-American.
The real purpose of the debate, aside from giving FOX its only opportunity to advertise to people under 65, was to emphasize how much the candidates hate Obama. Christie came out as the clear winner in that regard, calling Obama a petulant child and promising to kick his butt out of office, even though it seems unlikely Christie could lift his leg above knee-level. Trump was a close second, claiming Obama is the reason other countries are laughing at America.
Trump concluded his comments by saying, “When I’m President, no one will laugh at us anymore.”