Chicago, IL – After local commuter Erin Matthews dropped her homework on the floor of a busy subway train, Rogers Park resident Bryan Clarke helped her pick up the scattered papers. “Whoops-a-daisy,” he said with a smile and a wink, before he leaned over from his seat and helped her scoop up her belongings. Clarke told reporters that he was in an extra-good mood today, as he was only about two pages away from finishing his sprawling anti-government manifesto.
When asked what her impressions of Clarke were, Matthews said that, “He seemed like a very nice man,” unaware of the insane scribblings Clarke has made through countless notebooks and on bathroom walls, ranging from how to make homemade explosives to how all members of Congress are secretly lizard monsters.
“I just can’t wait to finally wrap this thing up,” Clarke told reporters, smiling so hard that his teeth started grinding. Clarke added that he was sure these were going to be the last couple of pages this time, even though he had previously declared the same thing at pages 38, 87, and 214, respectively. “I just keep finding things to write about,” he said with a shrug and a laugh, the latter lasting about 40 full seconds.
“I bet he works with his hands,” Matthews continued, attempting to fit Clarke into some pre-formed schema of a rational, sane person. Matthews then supposed that Clarke “looks like someone who isn’t afraid to roll up his sleeves and get his hands dirty.” Though she meant it more in the figurative sense, sources indicate that the description more fits Clarke’s day to day activities literally, as he is often seen rummaging through garbage.
As Matthews continued to create more scenarios for Clarke to fit into society as an accomplished, yet gentle and kind human being, Clarke was thinking of more ideas to incorporate into his manifesto, realizing that he hadn’t yet discussed President Obama’s tampering with the fluoride in people’s drinking water to include a mind-controlling substance, to keep us all “sheeple,” as Clarke put it. “Also, all the lizard people are homosexuals,” he added.
“I bet he has a woodshop in his backyard, and his wife tends to their garden,” Matthews told reporters. “People are really amazing.” As of press time, Clarke was sitting alone in his basement apartment in his underwear, furiously printing his manifesto to distribute on car windshields over the next few days.