We’re back! Back to unlocking the mysteries of the stars in order to learn our paths in life. Back to understand how destiny and opportunity intertwine day to dayastrologist.

For those of you that are back for the free bologna skins, here are this week’s horoscopes! Trust me. I have a telescope.








Your financial condition needs a tweak or two. Just be careful not to tweak your accountants nipples. That’s sexual harassment.


Your energy is in sync with the universe. Who knew the universe had issues getting out of bed at 5am?


Try to see today’s big obstacle as a time-out in productivity, and a time-in for major drinking.


Try to get out there and mix it up socially. Even getting into a fist-fight over the ending to “How I Met Your Mother” is technically social.


Your career is taking off in a new way. And you thought some things can’t be related to porn!


You have deep sympathy for someone you may not have gotten along well with in the past. It may be a conflict of interest if this sympathy comes are you’re dumping their body off a bridge, but it shows that you have feelings.


You are at the peak of your powers when it comes to romance or attracting other kinds of attention. That still doesn’t mean you should just whip it out in public.


One of your primary relationships needs some love. The time for using the opposite hand because it feels strange and new is over.


This is a great day for communication, even though that communication is probably full of lies.


Creative power is flowing through you like electricity. Unfortunately, Creativity Man will never make it as a member of the Avengers. Yes, even if there is a member named Ant-Man.


An older relative is causing some interesting problems today. And no, it has nothing to do with inheritance. Free money is never a problem.


You have got to step up your game when it comes to communication. Mumbling like Dr. Steve Brule is funny, but gets nothing useful done.