Washington, DC: The President issued an executive order yesterday, which replaced the typical dry State of the Union address with a no-holds-barred partisan cage match. Obama entered the House Chamber as usual, shaking hands and giving awkward kisses all the way to the podium. He then paused for a moment before kicking the podium off the stage and screaming into the crowd, “I got your State of the Union RIGHT HERE!”
That was the signal for both parties to reach across the aisle and grab hold of whichever opposing throat they could find and start throttling. Representative John Boehner grabbed his gravel and went to town on Biden, who began yelling profanity into the live microphone. Senator Harry Reid began crawling around on all fours, biting ankles. Senator Ted Cruz was indiscriminately whacking Congressmen and women with the butt of his .44, while Senator Elizabeth Warren began beating her way through the entire Senate Committee on Finance.
Obama began chasing Senator Lindsay Graham across the room screaming, “I’ve got a couple executive orders for you!” When he caught up to Graham, he began articulating his bipartisan credentials by pummeling the senator with both his left AND right fist. Just as he was about to veto Graham’s teeth from his mouth, Representative Paul Ryan snuck up behind the President and hit him with a chair.
It seemed as though the Democratic agenda was on the verge of being defeated when Obama yelled out over the crowd “Go, women voters!” This was the signal for the female cavalry unit to come crashing into the chamber, wielding college degrees and grant proposals.
“Educated women voters!” cried Ryan. “My one weakness!”
Ryan ran screaming from the chamber, pursued by a pregnant doctoral candidate.
“Now,” said Obama, dusting himself off. “Let’s talk about healthcare. Because when I’m done with you,” pausing to hip check Senator Chuck Grassley. “You’re gonna want insurance.”
The rest of the night proceeded with a thorough rout of Republicans as well as a couple Chinese people and Iranians, who had somehow made it into the mix. By the end of the brawl, Obama stood atop a pile of fallen opposition holding an American flag in one hand and a blood-stained Constitution in the other.
Post-brawl analysis in the media found the policy agenda vague, at best, and had a hard time hearing Obama’s plan for the next year over the cracking of skulls. However, both conservative and liberal analysts agreed that the brawl really showcased what Congress does best: beating the shit out of one another.