Chicago, IL: With twenty-six states in the midst of wind-chill warnings and other temperature alerts due to a polar vortex, meteorologists across the Midwest have finally come to an agreement: it’s fucking cold outside.
In an effort to explain what a polar vortex is, senior meteorologist Lance Kendricks of The Weather Association stated that it is “a great, swirling pool of tit-nipply cold air located tens of thousands of feet in the atmosphere.” A polar vortex is generally created in the more arctic regions of Canada, but the expansion of warm pockets in Greenland or Alaska can lead the frigid climate to be push south, and make it “cold as fuck,” outside, according to Kendricks.
The polar vortex has meteorologists scrambling to find the rights words to attach to their weather analysis. Meteorologist Barabara Hugginson of Chicago, Illinois, forecasted temperatures would be “colder than a well-digger’s ass” and brought forth charts and graphs to compare. Meteoroligist Arnold Tandish of Dubuque, Iowa, would only report that “It’s motherfucking cold outside” while wrapped in blankets when called upon to give his news report.
Field correspondent Ryan Meadows of Viroqua, Wisconsin, reported on the weather from his home, showing that it was so cold that “my fucking front door is frozen shut. It’s not sticking. It’s fucking frozen. There’s literally ice forming on the door jamb.”
Meanwhile, the polar vortex has begun to make its way steadily east, leading to the hospitalization of residents caught outside due to it being “cold as fucking balls,” as stated by Dr. Margaret Allinson, who manages the ER at a local hospital in Dayton, Ohio. “I just treated a man who got his tongue stuck. Not on anything, mind you, like a pole in that movie A Christmas Story. His tongue was just stuck outside of his mouth, frozen. That’s fucking cold!”
The patient remains anonymous, however it is believed the reason he may have stuck his tongue out in such a frigid climate may have been due to a difficulty in breathing, which is apparent when it is colder than a witches tit.