Los Angeles, CA: Having been recently bumped down to #2 in 2013’s national ranking of Worst Public Transportation in America by Knoxville, Tennessee, Los Angeles’ LACMTA service has vowed to regain the top spot again by any means necessary.
“We need to remind Los Angelenos how much we really don’t give a shit about them and their problems,” stated LACMTA comptroller Mike Ramirez at a recent press conference. “If you don’t have a car, tits for you pal. Shit’s about to get worse.”
Mr. Ramirez went to on to explain their future plans. “We’re looking into having the Red Line just not pick anyone up, ever. It’ll run alright, just won’t be making any stops.” Mr. Ramirez paused for two minutes to read and reply to a text. “Just got to find out how we can make it as useless and counterproductive as possible.”
Another proposal gaining popularity around an exasperated City Hall is to pare down the bus service to about 30% of its current fleet. Mayor Eric Garcetti explains further. “When I came into office, I was under the impression that I didn’t have to give two shits about the LACMTA. But now I have this garbage to deal with? So I thought over my lunch break to just get rid of a bunch of buses. Those losers need to get with the times and buy a fucking car. There. Easy. Done. It’s complete shit again. Now back to my El Pollo Loco.”
Los Angeles has always had what’s been described by its denizens as, “a complete piece of shit public transportation service,” with buses that never run on schedule and a subway that only services a small population of people and really, “goes absolutely nowhere of use.” It was a complete shock to many when it was bumped to number two.
“I don’t know what happened,” exclaimed LACMTA bus driver Jamal Dixon. I’ve been doing a shit job for decades: driving past full bus stops; neglecting the requested stops; ripping people off of fares; showing up when I want. You know, being an all-around prick. So I’m completely clueless how we’re not number one.”
Many experts point to the LACMTA’s recent extension of the train service from downtown to Culver City, dubbed the “Expo Line.” The line is projected to reach Santa Monica by 2015, bringing a heightened awareness to public transportation in the past five years by connecting LA’s downtown to the beach. Many at the LACMTA aren’t thoroughly convinced this is the reason.
“What the fuck? You’d think with us taking our sweet ass time, being stuck in needless litigation due to poor planning and pushing back the completion date on an almost weekly basis would keep us at number one. But no. I don’t get this town,” said LACMTA union head Jerry Castellano. “I’m going to have to just reroute this sucker to Ladera Heights. Fuck it. If people want to go the beach from downtown they shouldn’t live downtown.”
At press time, the LACMTA was preparing to dynamite the 405 freeway in a last ditch effort to regain their crown.