London, UK: For the past few weeks, the media was swarming with constant news updates, questions, and predictions on the status of the infant begot by Prince William and Duchess Kate of the British Royal Family. The media blitzkrieg reached epic proportions, making Duchess Kate’s vagina the most covered vagina in news history, eclipsing the coverage of both Pamela Anderson and Paris Hilton’s vaginas combined.
The world’s rabid interest of the birth of Great Britain’s latest heir to the throne was appeased today, as the Duchess of Cambridge gave birth to a 8lb, 6oz. baby boy at 4:24pm British time.
“Not much is known of the young lad, save for his weight and gender,” stated British correspondent Robert Wellington, who was at a local pub at the time of the birth. “What we do know if that he has 2 arms, 2 legs, 2 eyes, all biological specifications for us to assume that this is indeed a human child. Considering the questions involving Prince Charles’ species, I think this is a step up in breeding. All praise Duchess Kate!”
With the birth, the lineage is assumed to be shifted, making Prince Charles 1st in line for the throne, followed by Prince William, Prince “He Who Has No Name”, and then Prince Harry.
However, sources claim that the newborn heir to the throne may have another duty: as a sacrifice to the immortality of Queen Elizabeth II, who presumably turns 120 years old this year.
“It’s a time honored tradition that, when the king or queen reaches 80 years old, all children begotten from her lineage will be sacrificed to the throne’s well-being until their passing,” stated local conspiracy theorist Arnold West. “We just haven’t heard of it until now, what with all the social media hullabaloo and paparazzi.”
Queen Elizabeth II has until the infant’s 30th day to ingest the life-force of the child in order to continue her reign for another 20 years. In the event that she survives those 20 years, another infant will need to be born and ingested for the sake of the realm’s traditions.
“People see infant sacrifice as barbaric, savage, repugnant,” explained West. “But, honestly, it’s just British.”