Fortune cookies are played out. Instead, live your life based on what I say. Trust me. I’m an astrologist. I have the on-line diploma to prove it.
So, here are this week’s horrible horoscopes!
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ARIES
Your energy requires a bit of a push in order to get moving, but sometimes it’s best to go slow. Maybe rent a Rascal scooter.
TAURUS
Your romantic energy is active right now. It’s a great time to let someone know how you feel or just snuggle up with your sweetie. Just make sure the restraining orders have expired.
GEMINI
You need to clarify something to your mate…especially if it’s, “I used to be a guy.”
CANCER
Your energy is perfect for getting to the bottom of tiny mysteries, like “How many licks does it take to get to the tootsie roll center of a Tootsie Pop?” and “Why did my wife leave me?”
LEO
Your mental state is perfect for figuring out your financial situation. It’s easy to count nothing.
VIRGO
It’s a great day for you to reorganize your life. You can’t live your whole life not knowing which pair of underwear is clean and which pair is dirty.
LIBRA
You may want to try goofing off more today. Sometimes doing nothing at all is the best solution. Nothing bad can happen during nap-time.
SCORPIO
A good friend comes to your rescue today…because someone needs to bring the toilet paper when you run out. You can only use a Q-Tip for so much.
SAGITTARIUS
Today’s little details are more important than ever. Like wearing pants. It’s a little detail, but it’s important to staying off the Sex Offender Registry.
CAPRICORN
Information comes your way, probably early, that confirms an idea that’s been building in your mind for quite some time. Yes, people are assholes.
AQUARIUS
Work-related issues are driving you a little crazy today, so see if you can get yourself some time off. Paid time off, not “I’m quitting and going to live in a hut at the bottom of the Grand Canyon” time off.
PISCES
Try to figure out who the most important players are in today’s little drama, and tell them to shut up before they even begin.