Washington DC: On Thursday, President Obama signed into effect the spending cuts known officially as the sequester and unofficially as the collapse of the American Empire. There were tear-filled eyes in the Oval Office, especially John Boehner, who said in a tearful comment to reporters that he’s just glad they didn’t put in any cuts that affected millionaires.
“Just imagine if this sequester was cutting essential yacht repair assistance programs instead of family planning services and military jobs,” stated Boehner. “By gum, we’d be in some real trouble, then.”
Obama did not share the Speaker’s relief. He simply shook his head and said, “I’m so sick of the ‘thanks Obama’ jokes and this is just gonna make things worse.”
However, not all needs to be so gloomy this fiscal collapse season. Congress has released its official “Tips for a fiscally responsible Spring”, subtitled “Come on, guys, it’s not so bad”. On the cover is a painting of a flourishing ancient city that was later revealed to be Rome just before the barbarians got to it. Congress thought this might be in poor taste and put forward a motion to change it before it went to press, but Republicans refused to agree on it without spending cuts so the handbook was published in its original form.
The tips suggest some ways of saving money for the average family. For example, since the sequester involves cuts to schools, the handbook suggests taking kids out of school and apprenticing them in a local factory. Or, since what little remaining American industry is on its way to China, sending the more hardy children into Canada as migrant laborers.
There are also a number of fiscally responsible recipes. Recommendations include hefty doses of vegetables delivered via frozen pizzas. In absence of dough as farm subsidies get cut and the price of flour rises, the handbook suggests cardboard, which provides much-needed fiber. Instead of snacking, the handbook recommends old leather shoes as a ready source of much-needed fats. Since life expectancies are likely to drop sharply, there are no worries about pesky carcinogens contained within dyes.
Speaking of lowered life expectancies, a number of local communities have put together Sequester Day events, to provide families with an opportunity to enjoy unseasonably high temperatures this Spring without having to break the bank or tap into the retirement fund Wells Fargo already lost.
One particularly popular event is a makeshift amusement park including sequester-themed rides. One ride consists of a re-appropriated public bus (since public transit is experiencing cuts) that riders are crammed into and forced to listen to cell phone speakers blasting rap and a crazy man yelling indecipherable phrases. Of course, riders can pay a fee to take a private jet through the ride.
Another ride is a ferris wheel that goes in circles for hours while speakers play samples of Congressional transcripts. A slightly less imaginative ride is the “fiscal cliff” ride, which isn’t so much a ride as a technique for reducing the number of people requiring public services.
It’s obvious that Congress put a great deal into making the best out of a bad situation with the handbook. Every part of the book has its use, even the spine of it, which can be removed and used as a suitable baton for fighting off looters.