Washington, DC: A crowd of not-so-many supporters gathered on the not-as-cold mall to watch the not-as-exciting Obama become the 44th President, take two, of the United States. It was a difficult atmosphere for the President, bottom of the 4th year of recession, two wars down, with Congress continually fumbling the ball and Reid and Boehner unable to leave their beefing off the field. The Chinese are up in the economy and the Germans are just generally nicer. Team America was beginning to lose hope.
Obama paced in front of his team. The Democrats eyed him hopefully. Cantor, the team’s bad-boy, made strange faces. Boehner, the butt of all the team’s jokes, was still crying about something. Even Biden, normally the wacky comic relief, was solemn. Finally Obama stopped in front of his boombox, pressed play and to the sound of the Braveheart soundtrack said, “America, like football, is a game of inches.”
The President went on to say that we’ve all been playing this game for a while. For more than two hundred years which, compared to most governments in the Americas, is a respectable amount of time. We’ve endured swords and lashes and other metaphors for things no rich white person ever had to endure and we’ve learned only through teamwork and high sales taxes can we ever overcome the obstacles that face us.
“And let me tell you what I mean by perfect,” Obama continued as the music switched to something swelling and orchestral.
The speech went on to the themes of unity, liberty, pursuit of happiness, apple pie, hamburgers, those cute commercials from the 1950s with the dog pulling off the little girl’s bathing suit. And, of course, welfare, social security and food stamps, all those entitlements that no other first world country has that guarantee something distinctly American: That no matter how far you fall, you will always have something to rely on. Until, of course, a Republican takes office.
“If we don’t come together, right now, we will be destroyed.” Obama’s voice trailed off as the trumpets began to join in.
The team was looking up now, Boehner was weeping openly, Biden was looking grim and determined, even Cantor was listening. When Obama asked the crowd, “What am I?” they all shouted back, “I am a champion!”
Of course, no Obama speech would be complete without a homework assignment. “The journey isn’t complete,” explained Obama. “there are still a couple more quarters to go. The country still needs to gain yards on climate change, maybe make some equal-opportunity substitutions. Intercept a few pieces of hate speech. Maybe blitz a few NRA people.”
“Now, go out there and win!” Obama shouted to much applause, commotion and chest-bumping.
He also said some things about gay rights, which will likely be reacted to calmly and without hyperbole.