Probably Berkeley, California: Apparently there was another debate this week, but you might not have seen it underneath the headlines about Donald Trump’s latest political analysis. Four of the major third parties gathered together to discuss what I’m sure were really important issues. We sent an intern over there, certain he’d make friends with the other interns, poli-sci majors, Communists and potheads of which the crowd was composed. He filed this report:
The Place: Chicago
The Purpose: Giving voice to the unheard masses.
As the debate began, a hushed silence washed over the crowd as the candidates approached the podiums. One was still finishing off a sandwich and had his leftovers wrapped up in a brown paper napkin in his pocket. These were representatives of true Democracy, boldly standing forth and speaking truth to power in the tradition of Plato when he nailed his 99 theses to the Pope’s front door and Abraham Lincoln when he crossed the Delaware to fight the French.
Their names were (It seems our intern had intended to insert the debate participants’ names here, but forgot to. Throughout the rest of the report he gave them nicknames, which we’ll be using here. I guess we could look them up, but…well…) Big Nose (editor’s note: Gary Johnson) from the Libertarian Party, Cat Lady (editor’s note: Jill Stein) from the Green Party, Al Bundy (editor’s note: Virgil Goode) from the Constitution Party and Smiley Ron Paul (editor’s note: Rocky Anderson) from the Justice Party.
The debate was moderated by Larry King, a brave choice considering King likely would have gotten more votes than any of the debate participants had he run for president. The debate was supposed to begin with opening statements, but these were the representatives of the unorthodox, which meant they didn’t need to follow debate rules and all that.
The first question inquired what the candidates thought of the two-party system. The response was a unanimous condemnation of the system as-is, breaking yet another rule of traditional debates by not actually disagreeing on anything. The guy sitting next to me muttered that the system would be better if it were Socialist.
There was a question on education, in which Cat Lady and Al Bundy advocated government payback of student loans, while Big Nose and Smiley Ron Paul said not only would they get rid of student loans, but they’d introduce a keg party subsidy. The guy next to me mentioned that we’d already have those things under Socialism.
When the big question rolled around, everyone held their breath. This was the moment they all were waiting for, an issue relevant to all those struggling under this flagging economy: Marijuana legalization. Big Nose was all about it, Cat Lady lit up a joint and Smiley Ron Paul was too high to understand the question. The only dissenting opinion was Al Bundy, who managed to get out the words “I don’t support” before he was hit with a barrage of carved apples, rolling papers and dryer sheets. The guy sitting next to me sighed and said that wouldn’t have happened if he was a Socialist.
After the debate, I asked the guy next to me for whom he was going to vote. The guy sighed and gave a world-weary shake of his head, “Nah, man, I’m not registered. I’m just here to pick up liberal girls.”