New York, NY: Damon Feldman, a celebrity boxing promoter, is hoping to capitalize on the nightclub brawl between singer Chris Brown and rapper Drake by offering them $1 million each to box in a ring. After Rianna turned down a chance to be the ring girl, Mr. Feldman signed up Katie Holmes, only for Katie to renege on the deal citing, “I just removed a ring and right now, this girl doesn’t need another ring.”
Brown and Drake angered each other by announcing they wanted their boxing nicknames to be “Kid Dynamite.” After watching the “Kids” spar in a feminine fashion, Feldman announced that they’ll both be named after their slap-fighting style: “Napoleon Dynamite.” In fact, the girlish gladiator Chris Brown even signed Kirstie Alley to be his trainer. Mr. Brown noted, “She taught me how to skip rope–then I taught her how to smoke it. And, she volunteered to be the heavy bag that I gotta hit every day.”
The winner of the fight will fight Ellen DeGeneres who cockily said, “Guys with entourages aren’t guys. They’re girls. And I can lick any girl, any time!”
An undeterred Chris Brown then announced, “I’m making mucho moolah from my mayhem by agreeing to appear on a new cereal from General Mills called, ‘Bheaties–the breakfast of cowardly champions!’ The first person to appear on the box of this whole wheat treat is none other than a dude who once beat his wife like he does his drums: Tommy Lee. For fifty box tops, the cereal eater gets a Lee-autographed parolee’s ankle bracelet. For 100 box tops, you’ll get a replica of the boot Ike Turner used on Tina.”
Mr. Brown then rapped:
Drake is one mofo,
I’m gonna throttle,
Right after I throw down,
This here bottle.
I’ll celebrate my win,
By smoking some reefa,
Then I’ll kick the ass,
Of Queen Latifah…(Huh, I think).
But if you need extra muscle,
To beat your sweetie,
Pour yourself a bowl,
Lip smackin’ Bheaties!