Jersey City, NJ: For years, skeptics and conspiracy theorists alike have debated the meaning and relevancy of the Mayan calendar.
The ancient timeline, which ends on December 21st, 2012, has been touted as a prophecy for the end of the world; oceans will rise, the sun ill go out, and the moon will come crashing into the Earth’s atmosphere as the dark lord will emerge from a rotting womb(as we have interpreted the Book of Revelations.) It has also been rationalized as merely the end of a calendar, much like how people change from February to March, or 2011 to 2012.
Unfortunately, rationale went out the window yesterday as one of the most relevant signs of the Apocalypse is coming true: Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi is pregnant.
On February 2nd, in interviews on both “Good Morning America” and “Live! with Kelly,” Snooki denied being pregnant, stating, “I definitely do want kids, but I’m not pregnant . . . Being pregnant should be a real thing and a happy thing, and I’m not.”
Of course, happiness is in the eye of the beholder, as Snooki’s main claim to fame has been passing out drunk over and over again on national television, but the speed in which Snooki looks three months pregnant in less than a month makes many believe that evil is among us.
“If you read the Bible closely, it clearly states that the anti-christ will come from unnatural conception, not by angel like Christ, but by the Burned One, Lucifer. This pregnancy will continue abnormally until the dark prince emerges from his womb of filth and decay,” explained Pastor Mark Riley. “Clearly, Jionni LaValle is the Burned One, Snooki’s vagina is the womb of filth and decay, and this roller-coaster pregnancy will probably be shot by MTV. Repent!”
While these facts may seem absolute, many atheists and agnostics still aren’t questioning their lack of religion even as the end becomes apparent. “The Snooki pregnancy doesn’t confirm any sort of existence of a god,” stated local atheist Brianna Jenkins, “but I sure as hell believe in the devil.”