Demmin, GERMANY: Confusion struck the nation of Germany, and indeed the world, when Chancellor Angela Merkel was 
doused in beer during a Christian Democratic Union meeting last week. What had seemed to be blatant clumsiness of a waiter around one of the most stoic and cold political leaders in Europe seemed to be a blessing, as Chancellor Merkel did not have the waiter, known as Martin, beheaded, but merely shrugged the incident off and drank her beer.
Unfortunately, this relaxed demeanor by Chancellor Merkel proved to be the beginnings of a campaign overhaul, as publicists have now confirmed that the beer dump was not an accident at all, but actually a wet t-shirt contest to become a limited-time St. Pauli Girl.
“No German citizen would be so awkward in front of their leader,” stated public relations liaison Hanz Frunkenzimmer. “Chancellor merely wanted to be entered into the sexy beer-woman contest. If I were judging, I would give it to her hands down.”
Unfortunately, Mr. Frunkenzimmer was not a judge, leading to Chancellor Merkel to finish in 5th place out of six contestants.
“This is O-K, because now Chancellor is seen by the world as fun-loving, beer-drinking woman. She will have respect like that Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan,” continued Frunkenzimmer.
Still, not everyone is as receptive to the incident, including many global financing analysts.
“A high profile German leader losing such a contest is historically terrifying, and international stock fluctuations are following suit,” stated economics researcher Brian Gummer.
The incident Gummer may have been referring to was a finger-painting contest that a certain German führer lost to six year-old Heidi Klumpt in 1934, sparking a certain world war.